GREENER PASTURES: The Art of Compromise

Compromise is the art of making more than one person happy. And of course, one of those persons has to be you. Compromise is an undervalued and misunderstood art, more of a virtue really. It requires sensitivity to all concerned and simple tact. And don’t forget patience.

Yet for many the word “compromise” is negative and defeatist. I recently saw a sign in front of a funeral home in Davenport, Iowa, which read “The collapse of character begins with compromise.” That renders compromise something you do not want to do to maintain integrity.

It is true that about some things you must not compromise, especially concerning your morality, integrity and work ethic. I always seek to do my very best as a husband, father, teacher, writer and human. Rather than being willing to compromise in the context of cutting corners, I daily strive do the best I can in the time allotted. More than that I cannot do.

Yet when it comes to human relationships, we are simply not going to get everything we want. If we have been raised to think that the world owes us special consideration or attention, because that is what our parents showered on us in misguided child-rearing – make that “child-spoiling” --, we are going to have a difficult time recognizing the necessity of compromise.

I have seen this difficulty crop up more often than not with only children, who are used to getting their way. Then along comes a committed love relationship, and a conflict of wills and wants ensues. Beware of the “my way or the highway” attitude in love, where everybody loses.

When I worked with couples in this predicament, I would explain the three basic ways of handling differences of desire. They are capitulation, co-existence and compromise. To use a mundane example: both persons want to go out to a movie. He wants to see a sci-fi, whereas she wants to see a romance. First off, one or the other could capitulate, meaning cave into, give into what the other wants, even though they themselves really don’t care for it. He could sit through the romance or she could withstand the gory special effects.

Secondly, they could co-exist, meaning each go to their respective movies and meet afterwards, say at the concession stand. But they would have to watch the movie by themselves, which is a lonelier way.

The third option is that of compromise, meaning finding something they could still both enjoy and remain together. They could decide to see a comedy, which would be the second choice of each of them individually.

In a healthy relationship, there are times when all three options are exercised. There are times to give into the other, times to stick to your own wants, and times to find an alternative both can live with. On the other hand, in an unhealthy relationship, these three are out of balance. Perhaps she feels she always has to give in, or he feels he always has to co-exist, or they both feel all they ever do is compromise, never getting what they really want.

The art of compromise is vital in all relationships, at work as well as home. In my years as a pastor, I worked with volunteers who paid my salary. It seemed I was always seeking common ground, looking for how to build consensus, or how to agree to disagree and remain connected. It never ceased to amaze me how what one finds delightful another finds distasteful. Go figure tastes. It does, however, keep life interesting and relationships from ever being boring.