GREENER PASTURES: Only Love Can Heal the Wounds of Love

It takes love to heal the wounds of love. We have all been hurt in loving. Sometimes we may be tempted to give up on love itself. If wounded in a friendship, we may say, “Who needs friends?” If divorcing, we may ask, “Who wants marriage?” If suffering as a parent, we may wonder, “Would I be better off without children?” If grieving the death of a loved one, we may ponder, “Would I be happier if I had never loved this person?”

The answer to such pain-induced questions, of course, is “No.” These relationships are the very stuff of life. It is only that which has given us joy which gives us sorrow; it is from our greatest pleasures that we will also derive our deepest pains. You cannot have the one without the other.

The truth is, it is love or nothing. There really isn’t any other game in town with which to compare love. No other meaning can sustain us like love, no other “why” can make the “how” of our circumstances more bearable. To give up on love is to give up on life, true life, full life in which we laugh all of our laughter and weep all of our tears.

We have to keep at it until we either get love right or get it back. Like learning how to ride a bicycle, if you fall off, get up and back on immediately. Sooner or later you are bound to have a good, long ride. Success is follow-through; perseverance pays off as assuredly as giving up costs everything. It’s not what life gives us but what we give back to life that determines our significance to others.

We can, however, be wounded sufficiently in love to need a timeout. If so, then by all means take it, and without guilt or questioning whether there is something wrong with you, wanting to be accountable to no one but yourself for a while. Just determine you are on a kind of retreat or sabbatical from your true vocation, which is the work of loving and being loved.

During this period write a journal, read and reflect, pray, talk to counselor or spiritual mentor. Let your wounds heal over whatever time seems necessary. You will know when it is time to seek love again, by the very desire for love making its presence known. Listen to your heart. Desire grants purpose as well as power; do not go forward either in life or love without it.

When your desire for love prompts and strengthens you to reach out anew, do so slowly and carefully. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured to be other than where you are. Love is organic; it grows at its own natural gracious pace.

There are two primary stages in the healing of love. First is the time required for the desire to love to return. The second stage can happen only in an actual, active love relationship. If you have difficulty trusting, a solid relationship is necessary to gradually learn to trust again. This takes time, an understanding loved one, and your willingness to risk loving again.