GREENER PASTURES: When to Let Go.

There is a time to hold on and a time to let go of a relationship. The difficulty is knowing when to do which. I remember a conversation with a woman about this issue. She said she had vacillated between staying and leaving, sometimes holding on when she should have let go, and other times letting go when she should have hung on, hung in.

Once again she was in a situation where she had to decide whether to let go of a relationship or hold on, to see what might yet come of it. Hence, our conversation.

I told her that this was a vexing issue for us all, and that most of us have made the mistake of going the one way when we should have gone the other way. I have stayed in a relationship too long and I have also walked away too early.

I said there was no easy or sure answer, and every situation was different. While there are a few helpful guidelines, there is no mistake-proof method for knowing for certain when to do which. After all, we humans are both surprisingly changeable, fickle, and at the same time surprisingly stubborn, as resistant to change as to predictability.

I have seen the darnedest things, people coming around when a relationship seemed hopelessly over, and people stopping short and digging in their heels just a few feet from the finish line, effectively ending a relationship right when it looked like it might make it.

Three guidelines:

First: communication. It turned out this woman hadn’t spoken her heart to the man with whom she hoped to develop a relationship. How then could she get closure? She realized she had to risk letting him know of her interest, and give him the opportunity to move toward or away from her. The worse that could happen would be for him to decline, which would leave her as empty as she already felt – but then she could finally move on.

Second: chances. How many times should you relay a message of interest, or attempt to build or rebuild a relationship, before giving up? In baseball, it’s three strikes and you’re out, but relationships aren’t so straightforward. Even though the “three strike” principle has some merit in human relationships, your heart may not always concur. How many chances you give another depends on your heart’s capacity to take rejection and remain committed. And as a rule, it’s better to give more chances and remain committed; then if a relationship fails, at least you’ve given it your best. You will be less likely to be haunted later by the vexing question: “What could or should you have done” syndrome. And while giving it your best, remember it takes two to make a relationship.

Third: climate. Relationships have their climate, just like the seasons. A relational climate can be warm, cold or indifferent. Where there is warmth, even if it be the heat of anger, there still is connection. And where there is connection, letting go will be difficult. Even if you should let go of it, the relationship has not let go of you. Where there’s warmth, there’s life; try working things out.

A cold climate can indicate distance and defensiveness, making reconnection real work. Cold is not the opposite of love; indifference is. An indifferent or lukewarm climate usually indicates a loss of feelings, or an unspoken emotional ending already in effect. Then it’s time for mutual recognition and parting words; and if possible without burning the bridge between you. There might come a time when you need to meet on it again, but only as friends.