GUIDELINES: Do Not Be Ungrateful

Last time I wrote about gratitude. Now I want to address the problem of ingratitude. I am sure there are many exceptions, but I am convinced the vast majority of us are quietly focused on what is wrong rather than what is right with our daily lives, on what we want that we don’t have or what we have that we don’t want. We tend to undervalue what we have and overvalue what we don’t have. We almost need to lose something or someone to realize how important they are to our lives, how much we really appreciate them.

I know that not succumbing to pessimism, but turning instead to what is right and good about my life is a daily struggle. It seems so much easier to be negative than positive – and less likely to be disappointed when what we feared would or could happen actually comes about. Of course, it usually does not come about, and our very negativity can have a negative impact on the one thing we can control: how we see our lives, our attitude toward whatever comes.

Why is it that we choose to see what is wrong rather than what is right about our lives and what we are blessed to have, from health to relationships, from the bounty of the earth to the glory of the skies? Perhaps we think being grateful risks future disillusion, when we fear we will come to realize that there were hidden problems with what we believed we had, which led to a whole new series of disappointments. Yet ingratitude is a kind of sinkhole what literally sucks our energy away, whereas gratitude generates new energy, accesses energy reserves and resources we didn’t know we even had within us.

To be ungrateful means to be unappreciative for what has been given to you, what you should in fact be grateful for. It means to refuse to see or sense, to receive and embrace the actual sufficiency of your life in this very hour, in this very day. I have worked with many persons who were grieving the death of a loved one; every one of them were able to make it through one day at a time, for that day, every day. One day they would realize that their grief had a new element added to it, which would make all the difference: thankfulness for the love and loved one, even if lost, at least temporarily. I have on several occasions asked a grieving person: “If I could take away your grief entirely right now, would you let me do so?” And the answer has always been a resounding “NO.” The common and insightful reason: “If you took away my grief, you would also have to take away my love. And that I shall never let go of.”

Ingratitude is a black hole we let ourselves fall into. We have to finally deny the validity of its vision. That is, the way out is to determine to find worth and value, goodness and reasons for joy in your everyday life. As Rabbi Harold Kushner said:

“Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted – a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good to every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson put it simply: “The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.”

Let me emphasize that to feel grateful or thankful does not mean you cease striving for more in your life. It means you experience fullness and satisfaction now, and begin to move from one form of fullness or sufficiency to another, as if going from strength to strength. Why can’t you enjoy your life now, as it is? What else have you got? The ancient sage who originated Taoism, more a philosophy of life than a religion, said:

“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”