GUIDELINES: Say "I am Sorry"

The most important words after “I love you” to be willing to say to a loved one are, “I am sorry.” Of course, just saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you really are; you could just be saying these words to get the other to back off and stop haranguing you. Sometimes the “I am sorry” comes across as a pride-smitten, “There, have you got what you wanted?” So instead of feeling good, it only worsens the pain of the other.

It is crucial to say “I am sorry,” even when you believe what you did or said was justified. What you can be sorry for in most any circumstance is the hurt what you said or did brought the other. It is one thing to say, “I am sorry I said that,” and another to say, “I am sorry if what I said hurt you.”

Often for the sake of reconciling with your loved one, it is essential to add, after your “I am sorry,” “It’s my fault.” Take responsibility when and where you can. If you first tell the other you’re sorry, then turn around and point out where the other also did wrong, you erase your “I am sorry.” You seem to suggest either you really didn’t do anything wrong, or you had some justification for doing what you did. In this case you may go on to win the argument, but at the possible cost of the relationship.

Even if the other contributed to the problem, as is usually the case, let the other tell you, rather than you pointing it out. If you just look at and take responsibility for what you did, you make it easier for the other in turn to relay back a sense of joint responsibility. It’s healing when one “I am sorry,” is followed by another. That generally moves people closer together.

Sometimes after saying, “It’s my fault,” yet another sentence needs to be added: “How can I make it right?” Perhaps there is nothing you can do to alleviate the situation; often your willingness itself calms and relaxes the atmosphere between you. When you ask that question it is vital that you really want the other to answer. That means you must listen to what the other says, listen all the way through until it is clear what the other wants you to do.

Before you respond to what the other has said, first restate it, to make sure you understand what is being asked. Wait for the other to tell you if you got things right. That way you have what’s called a “shared meaning.” Only now give your response; and whatever you do, “speak the truth in love.” Be careful here. If you criticize, deny or belittle the request, it would have been better for you and the relationship if you had never asked the question.

If the request is for something you don’t feel you can do, say so, and give your reasons. Ask what else you could do instead of that request. Show patience; it makes forgiveness easier.

Most of the time, the requests of what to do to make things right are straightforward. Typical answers: “Just don’t say that again.” “Pay more attention to me.” “Listen to what I’m saying.” “Show me that I’m important to you.” It turns out that what makes relationships work is almost always simple. Love is composed of little things, little actions, like saying “I am sorry.”