GUIDELINES: Treat Everyone with Respect

There is the respect that you have to earn over time by proving yourself to others. And then there is the respect which you may and should be granted by virtue of being a human being, just like other humans. My philosophy here is this: treat everyone with respect, until and unless they do something hurtful and dishonest, something significant enough for you to pull back from a position of respect into a stance of self-protection.

That means: you grant respect to persons regardless of age, race, ethnicity or sexual preference. What they do, how they treat you will determine their future kind and level of respect. But your treat them from the beginning with respect granted and assumed. You respect persons because they are honest – until they prove otherwise. You respect a person’s trustworthiness, until and unless they demonstrate that they are not to be relied upon.

To respect means to be kind, considerate, courteous and appreciative of others in general. It includes esteeming others, and taking what they say at face value; again, until and unless they should prove otherwise. This is the legal equivalent of granting that a person is innocent until proven guilty. And how you treat them should definitely affect how they treat you. If you treat others with respect that is likely how others will treat you in response. If they do not treat you as you are treating them, you have the right to demand respect in like kind. Respect should come with the territory of being human, and is up there with dignity in importance.

There is a real difference between men and women as regards how they seek and interpret respect. Generally speaking, when a man hears his partner say, “I love you,” what he wants to feel above all that he is respected. Whereas, when a woman hears her partner say, “I love you,” she wants to feel important, cherished. Hence, if the man does not feel respected by his significant other, the “I love you” words do not carry much weight; and in the absence of sensed respect, those words can even hurt. And if the woman does not feel that she is number one, the words “I love you” don’t amount to much. She could say, “Sure, you say you love me, but I do not feel cherished; I am not number one to you.”

If the woman does not feel cherished as number one, she will likely pull back her respect toward her partner, and when the man does not feel important and respected by his woman, he will pull back from his cherishing of her. Thus a negative cycle kicks in: she says, “You don’t cherish, therefore I don’t respect; he says, “You do not respect, therefore I will not cherish.” This self-perpetuating negative cycle can derail a relationship, especially if one or the other should begin to show contempt for the other. Contempt is a powerful propellant into and predictor of divorce. Contempt indicates that a decision has been made to vacate the mutual dwelling of the relationship. It is difficult to reestablish and renew a relationship when contempt has shown its ugly face, from the roll of the eyes, to the demeaning tone of voice.

If a couple seek to regain respect, to turn the negative cycle into a positive one, they must begin with their verbal behavior. They have to become sensitized to their words and the impact they have on the other. Say kind things, give compliments, and you will in short order begin to feel better about the other – and also about yourself. Healing here is from the outside-in as well as from the inside-out. Start by acting it out, then you will begin to feel it, mutual respect returning, at least until proven otherwise.