Guidelines: Work on Anger Management

Anger management is a never-ending task. Some of us are prone to react quickly, to say things we subsequently regret. Yet the reality is, it is far easier not to have to apologize for something we were able to avoid saying.

In a recent discussion with someone verbally quick on the draw, we came up with seven things to do to avoid “foot-in-mouth” disease when a loved one says something which generates anger. These require committed practice to become habitual:

1. Back up and off. Rather than becoming offensive, first develop your defense. There are two basic kinds of professional boxers: offensive and defensive. Jack Dempsey was an offensive fighter: he attacked his opponents immediately, with all he had. Fights would often not last more than a minute. Perhaps the greatest defensive fighter was Joe Lewis. For the first round, Lewis would lay back to permit the other fighter to show his stuff. Adjusting accordingly, he would begin showing his stuff in subsequent rounds.

Just so, if someone verbally attacks, back up and permit them to make their statements, without immediately reacting. As soon as the initial volley ensues, get on the balls of your feet, as it were, and back up, seeking to avoid a direct hit. Strive to listen and understand. Accept that there will likely be some truth to their feelings.

2. Stall for time. Ask questions when the opportunity arises. Ask what the other is saying, and what that means. Take the time necessary to formulate a truthful, fair response.

3. Speak softly and more slowly. When you are clear about what is being said, and about what you want to say, purposely lower your voice and speak more slowly than usual. Don’t make the mistake of raising your voice or the intensity level of your speech, for you could be accused of “yelling” at the other. Then the subject might quickly shift to you and your anger.

If the other talks loudly over your speech, stop speaking and wait until there is silence. Then calmly resume what you were saying. Better to walk away than raise your voice and start arguing. It takes two to have a fight.

4. Don't think in terms of winning or losing, but rather of sustaining your connection with the other. You could win the argument yet lose the relationship. Being better at verbal jousting is not an advantage; find a way to share as equals. Strive to let love win.

5. Forgo thoughts of dominance or submission. Think in terms of mutually satisfying power sharing. Don’t attempt to take charge of or dominate the conversation. That closes down communication. Show the other how well you are listening by carefully, calmly and patiently telling them what you are hearing.

6. Try to take nothing personally at first, for the other is actually disclosing what they think and where they are. Focus on the other person exclusively, as if they were describing someone besides you. Then compare their perspective with your own.

7. Your goal should not be to find solutions or fix things, but to listen and sustain caring as shown by your gentle forbearance. Fix-it mentality is take charge mentality; and in love relationships, neither is in charge of the other, or of the relationship. Generally speaking, when a person feels heard, it calms them down, even if there is no agreement.