Letting Go Versus Forgiving

Letting go is not the same thing as forgiving. The question is, which one comes first? In a recent small group discussion, people came down on both sides. Some said you had to let go before you could forgive, others said you had to forgive in order to let go.

Perhaps both sides are right, or at least have valid perspectives. It depends on the person and the situation. In my own life and what I’ve gleaned from others, it is usually forgiveness which has to precede finally being able to let go. Unforgiveness binds us to our unresolved past, keeping it uncomfortably close in soul if not in body. We limp around with varying degrees of resentment, bitterness, despair, anger, fear and grief. Our wills are wounded if not temporarily broken; our sense of self-esteem and value keep bouncing off the soggy floor of our being.

We cannot move forward until we reach some kind of resolution with whomever or whatever wounded us. This is made more difficult if the other party either cannot or will not recognize wrongdoing. Often we need time and distance to advance the process of diminishing the importance of what happened. Time may not heal all wounds, but it aids in turning what seemed like an unconquerable mountain into traversable hill.

Time can also give us a chance to get a better perspective on what happened. As we mature, what matters and what does not matter change. With diminished importance, it is easier to forgive – so you can let go and move on with your life, if not whole, at least no longer in pain. In the letting go, there comes a forgetfulness that blesses. You could still recall the person and event if you choose to, but unless you invoke it, the memory sleeps. And sometimes it is better to let a sleeping memory lie, so to say.

On the other hand, sometimes you have to let go of another or situation before you can finally forgive. Perhaps you are holding on in the hope that the person will come back, apologize and seek to make amends. Or at the least suffer a bit, and perhaps even “get theirs” Then you could let finally either take them back or enjoy walking away. Then, after you got to do what you had been waiting to do, getting some level of resolution, you could let go. And somewhere along the path of letting go, you could forgive, as if tossing a crumpled set of class notes into a waste basket on your way out of a substandard class for the last time.

Both letting go and forgiving are essential to being sound and fully open and present to your daily life. If you are having difficulty with either, ask yourself what you are gaining from holding on and withholding forgiveness. This only hurts you, not the other. You are not on the planet to teach or judge or punish others. You need to learn to leave all that to a power and wisdom greater than yours. Things have a way of working out in or by the end, and that includes people eventually getting back what they have been giving. That is what “karma” is about.

To forgive is to have faith in the ultimate success of justice. To let go is to trust that things will take care of themselves, if you will take care of yourself.