To Lie or not to Lie

Most all of us lie upon occasion, out of social convention if not intent. For example, how do we answer the greeting: “How are you today?” Do we say, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies?” We probably say something like, “Fine, thank you.” Perhaps we add the socially expected response, “And how are you?” Yet do we really have the time or interest to find out?

Then there’s our manner of telling others what we think of them. What do we tell and what withhold? We don’t tell all to all; perhaps we don’t tell all to any. We tend to tell only part of the truth; perhaps we shade or shape the truth, we cast things in a more amicable light, for interpersonal ease and peace.

Many view deception as a kind of social skill. Learning how and when to lie is seen as a path to success, power and influence. In his movie, Liar, Liar, Jim Carey is forced by a promise to his son to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth in every situation. The results are costly, yet hilarious. The movie points up that society prefers image to truth, show to substance.

Marcel Eck said that, “a society in which all truths were blindly exposed would be more like a hell than a paradise.... Not to speak the truth is sometimes a duty.”

There are different kinds of interpersonal deceptions, some being more destructive than others. Psychologist Leo Buscaglia offers five major categories:

The benevolent lie. This is told to save another pain or embarrassment. We forget an important appointment. When we remember, we call the other and apologize. The other says, “Oh, that’s OK” – when it’s really not. The benevolent lie is the one we believe is helpful rather than harmful to a relationship.

The self-protective lie. This is told to save ourselves pain or embarrassment. Former President Clinton sought to place his infamous lies into this category. Here we are seeking to promote our own comfort and security. When confronted, we say, “I didn’t say that,” or “That isn’t what I meant.”

The manipulative lie. We manipulate the truth for our convenience and welfare. We are like salespersons committed to saying whatever is necessary to close the deal, to reach our goal.

The impersonal lie. We lie on our income tax return or expense voucher. We tell ourselves that everyone does it, so why shouldn’t we? It doesn’t hurt anybody, right? Or so we want to deceive ourselves into believing.

The status lie. We seek to build up our ego and image to others. We engage in one­upsmanship; no matter what another has done, we have already done it or something even better.

Whole truth telling is however vital to our personal and relational health. I recently told a husband that for the well-being of his marriage, he needed to treat his wife as if she were a part of his own soul, a partner in his inner dialogue. Risking such openness and honesty is a must for real intimacy. Without honesty, we will not trust another. And without trust, love will not let in the truth it needs in order to prosper.