Listening Dyads

It takes work to become a better listener, something most of us need to work on. Listening needs to be tested. The “listening dyad” can be an effective exercise for testing listening and improving communication between loved ones. Though it will likely seem a bit artificial and time-consuming, the results can be well worth the effort.

The exercise works this way. You and a loved one sit facing each other. One of you gets to be first – flip a coin if necessary. You may have up to five minutes to talk about a subject of your choosing.

The subject should not be too emotional or stressful for either of you. If an argument ensues, cease the exercise. This exercise is only meant to improve communication, not to resolve difficulties. For that, depending on the state of your relationship, a counselor-referee might be helpful.

After you have finished speaking, the other tells you what they heard you say. This is to be the first time they speak, and they are to tell you what they heard you say by repeating your actual words, not their interpretation. Assist or modify what they say, until you two have gained what is called a “shared meaning,” or “completed communication arc."

The other then may take up to five minutes to respond to what they heard you say. After this, you tell them what you heard them say in response. They may assist or modify where needed, until you have once again gained a shared meaning.

Next, your loved one has their opportunity to choose a subject, and they may take up to five minutes to talk about it. You are to remain silent until they have finished, then go through the above process.

If you have gotten along well with this exercise, here is an advanced form of it: after you have spoken and your loved one has told you what they heard, so that you have gained a shared meaning, they can immediately take a different course. Instead of responding to your actual words, they are to carefully draw out what they sensed were your feelings about what you said. The focus shifts from the objective to the subjective content of your communication. So the first listening goal is to accurately get what you said; the second is to ascertain what it meant to you.

The other is to assume nothing – especially that they think they already know your feelings. Rather, they are to ask questions about what your feelings were as you spoke. They are not to criticize or judge the feelings unearthed; instead, they are to seek to understand you in the affirming way friends understand one another.

The voicing of feelings present but not spoken can break new ground in a love relationship. This is a most important yet fragile undertaking, for in addressing feelings directly, you can also become more vulnerable, and there are risks in that.

Once you and your loved one have gained a shared meaning about your feelings, it is now their turn to tell you how they felt about the feelings you expressed. Afterwards, you are to respond to their feelings. Hopefully, by this point you will have understood each other in a deeper way.

After you have gained a shared meaning about both the object and subjective content of what you said, it is time to go through the same process of understanding both the objective and subjective content of what your loved one said. Though time-consuming, this process can draw you closer together.