Twelve Principles of Friendship

If you want friends, first be a friend. Here are twelve principles for being a friend:

1. Follow the Golden Rule. Be the friend to the other you want the other to be to you. Apply your self-understanding to the other, for we share a common humanity. Yet never assume the other feels just like you, or you like the other. Respect, do not gloss over differences.

2. Be present for and with the other. Here’s a key to friendship: be fully present as a caring and non-threatening person to the other. By doing so, you invite the other to self-disclose and become fully present to you.

3. Be honest and be yourself. You are yourself the gift the other needs. Do not try to be something you are not; your caring and presence matter most.

4. Listen and give feedback. Speak the truth in love. Above all, work on being a careful, active listener. Everybody wants to be heard, sometimes desperately.

5. Ask questions rather than assume you know. You need to draw out and affirm the other, rather than to control or dominate the conversation. Help the answer to emerge from the other instead of from you. Trust that the truth is in the other and your task is to assist in the realization process.

6. Have both empathy and sympathy. Empathy means to feel with and sympathy means to feel for, another. It is alright not to be able to empathize with another because of a lack of similar experiences. Then you can sympathize and seek to understand as best you can, taking the other’s viewpoint seriously and respectfully. The other will appreciate your honesty and attempt to understand, as well as the respect you show.

7. Take risks through self-disclosure. Share of yourself sufficiently so that the other feels you are there and risking self-disclosure as well. Make it a two-way relationship. We cannot ask or expect one person to disclose personal things without reciprocity. Reciprocity is the soul of friendship.

8. Let the other be the center of attention. Remember that you are there to be the other’s friend. Let the focus of caring be on the other, with periodic reference to yourself and your situation.

9. Accept the other unconditionally. Even if you do not agree with all that is said, accept the person nevertheless. You are not there to argue, nor to compromise your own convictions. If you disagree, be diplomatic, while seeking what you can agree with first and foremost.

10. Look for the common, and build from there. Seek to find things and interests in common, for that creates the conditions for trust and “fellow-feeling.” Stay in a mutual comfort zone as much as possible.

11. Caring is carrying through. If you say you will do something, do it. Yet do not make promises. Let your yes be yes.

12. Make referrals when necessary. If the other wants to share something personal and confidential, show your caring by silent, supportive listening. Only after the other has shared should you make suggestions regarding seeking a professional counselor, if it appears needed. If it does, make specific suggestions, but let the other determine whether or not to make the call. That person has to want to seek healing.