Ask Dr. Mike: 'My Husband is Very Hard on Our Kids'

by Dr. Michael Oberschneider

Dr. Mike,

Does harsh parenting hurt kids later in life? My husband is very hard on our kids who are 3 and 7, and there are way too many fights and tears in our house for my comfort level. He says that our kids need to learn to listen without talking back, and he points out that they always obey him with his approach. He also often makes the point to me that his parents were very strict with him as a child and he turned out good. He also gets angry with me because I am not as strict as he would like me to be. It’s true that I tend to give into the kids too much, but I think I do that because he is so mean. He is the firm one and I am the loving one in the house. He’s not a bad dad, but he’s too hard on them. Beyond my strong need to protect my kids from him, this is causing a problem for our marriage. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Concerned Parent

________________

Dear Concerned Parent

While there is no absolute right or wrong way to parent, the research in this area, beginning in the 1960s, is well established and has consistently identified four main parenting styles. Several studies have shown coloration between the four parenting styles and a child’s later wellbeing.

Authoritarian Parenting is rule bound parenting where the parents make up all the rules, which the child is expected to follow without any input, discussion or questioning. These parents are considered to be strict and demanding with their children, and they rely on punishment or the firm hand approach when their children disobey. These parents are typically not emotionally responsive, and when a child questions a parent with this style, “because I told you so” or “just do what I say” are the sort of responses heard.

Generally, children from authoritarian homes tend to get in trouble less than children who are raised by permissive or uninvolved parents. However, inasmuch as obedience and respect are taught to be much more important than independence and autonomy, children from these homes tend to grow up with challenges. Research studies have shown that children raised by authoritarian parents have higher rates of low self-esteem and can be negatively influenced by antisocial peer pressure during the teen years. These children can be more passive and can struggle more academically and socially later in life.

Authoritative Parenting is egalitarian or democratic parenting where there are rules but the parents are more responsive and engaged when their children ask questions or present with challenges. Parents with this style take a more nurturing approach to their children over a punitive one when expectations are not met. Authoritative parents foster a supportive and relational climate that encourages their children to problem solve and think for themselves. In these homes, rules can be discussed for the child’s increased understanding and not just for the child’s adherence to the parents’ demands.

Several research studies have shown that the authoritative parenting style is the superior parenting style. Children from these homes tend to be well adjusted and are poised to do the best in life academically, socially and career wise. Between the four groups, these children have the highest self-esteem and the greatest confidence. They also tend to be more independent, self-assured, competent and socially responsible.

Permissive Parenting is characterized by parenting with few expectations, rules or demands for their children’s behavior. These are the no discipline parents. While these parents are viewed as being nurturing, involved and loving with their children, permissive parents appear more like friends to their children and will often rely on bribery, cajoling and gifting as a form of reinforcement.

While research has shown that children raised by permissive parents can be better off than children raised by uninvolved or authoritarian parents, raising children with too much freedom and too few expectations or boundaries can create problems later in life. “Spoiled” and “self-centered,” these children can act out and become more aggressive, can develop a lack of drive/motivation and self-discipline and can have problems with authority later in life.

Uninvolved Parenting is typically considered neglectful parenting. These parents are emotionally detached and dismissive, they have few if any expectations for their children and they offer little to no supervision. Instead, these parents have passive or even avoidant relationships with their children, and at their worst, these parents can be wholly neglectful.

Research has show that children who are raised by uninvolved parents generally turn out to be the unhappiest and least successful amongst the four groups later in life. They can experience a host of problems including: increased anxiety, alcohol or substance abuse, depression, poor social skills and poor academics.

While research on the four parenting styles is reliable and valid, and the styles can provide a roadmap to guide us in our parenting, the types are not absolute. Gender, culture, genetics and personality are factors that challenge the four-type parenting model. For example, there are fundamental differences between Western and Eastern cultures in terms of parenting successful children. The book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom” is a good example of the more authoritarian style of parenting being advantageous.

Based on what you have written, it seems that your husband has more of an authoritarian approach to parenting where you are more permissive. If that is the case, it is understandable that the two of you are not getting along well as parents.

The first thing I think you should do is discuss your concerns with your husband in an open, respectful and non-judgmental way. You could start by praising your husband for the things you like about his parenting and then lovingly move to the topic of what you do not like. Developmentally, your 3-year-old is going to listen and respond differently to parental demands than your 7 year old. Thus, it might be helpful for your husband and you to read or skim through some parenting books together to better understand where your 3-year-old and 7-year-old children are cognitively and emotionally.

Your husband will also likely soften his approach to the children when he feels that you and he are on the same page. So remember, the point of your talk should not be to prove the many ways you think he is wrong, but rather to find a place for compromise and increased agreement in your co-parenting.

There is no reason that “firm” or “loving” need to be mutually exclusive ideas or parenting approaches, and with patience, respect and improved communication, I am hopeful that you and your husband can learn to be firm and loving in the co-parenting of your children.

Dr. Michael Oberschneider is the founder and director of Ashburn Psychological and Psychiatric Services. Send questions to moberschneider@hotmail.com.