Rebuilding After An Affair

Deciding to rebuild after an affair is difficult but potentially achievable.  Couples who want to rebuild their marriage after infidelity can expect to dedicate 6-12 months to actively pursuing that goal.  It is especially important to have help to get through the process so that 'rebuilding the relationship' doesn't evolve into sweeping it under the rug or reliving the pain daily.  

Emotions are running high, and there is often confusion about which part of the marriage to focus on first.  It is necessary to address the infidelity and other problems that exist in the marriage, in that order.

There are some factors in a marriage that increase the odds of successfully rebuilding after an affair.

• There is ‘only’ one affair.
• Upon discovery, the straying partner discloses the truth about the relationship within a reasonably short period of time.
• The straying partner takes responsibility for his/her decisions.
• The straying partner definitively ends the extramarital relationship.
• The straying partner establishes transparent communication on his/her devices.
• The hurt partner is able to manage anger such that communication can take place and reduce possibility for further destruction.
• The hurt partner and the straying partner are willing to address individual and marital issues present before and after the affair.

Rebuilding after an affair is no easy task.   The reason why the elements of recovery are broken down as they are above is described below.

It is easier to rebuild after a single affair because after multiple affairs, it is quite possible that a pattern – or dance -- of behavior has been set.  Without radical change there is no reason to believe that the hurt partner will not continue to forgive, allowing themselves to be hurt over and over, or that the straying partner won't simply feel guilty, remorseful, and then stray again. 

In my experience, it is important the straying partner understands s/he has one chance to make it right and that his/her partner will literally not be willing or able to tolerate another indiscretion.

Once confronted, if not before, it is important for the straying partner to take ownership of his/her decisions and admit the truth.  The most proactive and healing path the straying partner can take is to honor the partner’s suspicions with the truth.   It is likely to be an anguished path, but the decision to have an affair set the course, and it is too late for it to be undone.  Once discovered, there is only one way through, and it begins with admission.

The burden is on the straying partner to honestly disclose the length of time the affair has been going on, as well as to provide information to the nature of the relationship.  It is essential to definitively end communication with the other person.  If the person is a colleague at work, an extra burden is placed upon the straying partner to prove that the relationship has ended and is strictly professional.  It is best to do everything possible, including possibly transferring, in order to extinguish contact.  In order for a marriage to be rebuilt, there can be only two people rebuilding.

It is important for the straying partner to make every effort to be honest and transparent with communication devices such as cell phone and computer.  Likewise, it is important to maintain an approach that takes full responsibility and resists the temptation to be defensive.  Often the hurt partner will be grieving and uncertain for a long time.  It can be difficult for the straying partner to sit with the guilt, anger, and sadness for such a long period of time.  It is helpful to build in set time blocks each day, 15 or 30 minutes, that allow the hurt partner to emote while the straying partner can be present, knowing that it is for a contained period of time.

It is essential that the hurt partner, while allowing themself to feel the emotions, manage anger in such a way as to be non-destructive.  When betrayed at such a fundamental level, it is not uncommon to want to lash out and hurt one’s partner as much as you’ve been hurt.  However, lashing out hurts the relationship and recovery process.  Rather, it is important to learn how to express emotions in such a way as to stay present to them, process them, build understanding, and move on.

While the hurt partner certainly needs support, it is important for the straying partner to seek help, too.  Being in the wrong is not an easy place to be.  Having an opportunity to process those feelings of disappointment, unhappiness, or shame is an important part of the process.

In order to recover, a couple needs to be willing and able to honestly reflect on the dynamics of their marriage, as well as what they bring to it.  This is best done with the help of a therapist or qualified mentor. 

When a couple rebuilds their marriage to the point of it being better than it was before, it is because they were able to examine their relationship pre-affair as well as at the affair.  Emotions are worked through, alternative behavioral strategies are established, and new cognitive awareness is put in place.  Over time, trust, precarious at first, is rebuilt.