The Empty Nest -- Alone at Last?

Dear Lauren,

My last child is going to begin college in the fall, and I am going to have an empty nest.  I am excited for her, but scared for me.  I’ve been a homemaker all my life.  The kids have been the center of my life, my purpose.  I am afraid of being left all alone with nothing left to do and no one left to care for.  I feel shelved; like something that used to be wanted and important, but isn’t anymore.  My husband and I are not close even though we have been a good team for the kids.  I am reminded of those times when the kids were little, and I’d wish for just a little time alone.  Now I am …

Alone at Last & Petrified

Dear Alone at Last –

You are facing a significant transition in your life.  It is normal to feel frightened and unsure.  You may feel grief for the passage of time and an end of an era.  You may feel anxiety about what will come next and how you will go about giving your life new meaning.  You may even feel afraid that you won’t find something to give your life meaning.

Sending your last kid off to college, like completing a project or successfully accomplishing a goal, can provoke feelings of sorrow as well as elation.   On the one hand, you have accomplished your goal.  On the other hand, well, you’ve accomplished your goal, and you may feel like you’re left with a void.

Your job as a mother hasn’t ended.  There is no love that is as unconditional or enduring as that of a parent to their child.  Your kids still need you as a Mom; they just need you differently.  Now you will be supporting them through life’s decisions, including making it through college, transitioning into careers, marriage, and raising a family of their own.   It will take work on your part to figure out how to be the best Mom you can be through those transitions. 

Remember that the reason you may feel ‘shelved’ is because you have done a good job.  Your goal was, presumably, to raise your children to be healthy, successful, independent adults.  That you’re not needed as much is a sign of their independence and your success.

Life has purpose when we give ourselves to new projects and meaningful activities.  The gift of you doesn’t end when your children leave home.  What changes is how and with whom you share yourself.  Perhaps you will make use of skills or talents now that you didn’t use much as a Mom.  Maybe you will volunteer, get out into the workforce, create art, or start your own business.  You are as worthwhile as ever … with time to engage in a new and purposeful activity.

You are not the first to find yourself looking at your partner when your last child leaves home wondering ‘what now?’  Marriage counseling can help to address that distance.

Consider individual counseling to address the other issues.  They are important and deserve your time, energy, and attention. 

Best Regards,

Lauren