The Passive Aggressive Person in a Relationship

The passive aggressive person in a relationship is often quietly controlling their partner in ways that can be subtle and manipulative.  Born of an unwillingness or inability to speak frankly about emotions, the actions of a passive aggressive person can wreak havoc on a relationship.

Someone who is passive aggressive has difficulty expressing their emotions, especially anger, honestly.  A passive aggressive person may seem like they are always in a good mood:  cheerful, gregarious, and rarely mad.  Instead of getting mad, a passive aggressive person may suppress or even repress their angry feelings. They may tell you what they think you want to hear, may agree energetically, ignore or brush off problems, and then act out in opposition to their words. 

The partner to a passive aggressive person may feel overwhelmed, confused, hurt, and out-of-control.  The actions of a passive aggressive person are acts of covert injury; injuries inflicted under the guise of forgetfulness, procrastination, self-pitying, distancing, obsequiousness, or obstruction.  These actions – even when the partner insists the actions are not directed toward you – are hurtful. 

If you are living with or otherwise dealing with someone who is passive aggressive, you are dealing with someone who may:

• Persistently fail to live up to a promise or responsibility;
• Blame others, circumstances, or forgetting for their failure to follow through;
• Show resentment, opposition, or resistance to requests and/or to authority;
• Procrastinate;
• Rarely if ever expresses anger or may show anger at very small issues without expressing him/herself over larger, significant issues;
• Express feelings of being cheated or unappreciated;
• Have difficulty with intimacy, dependence, and/or control.

If you are passive aggressive, it is important to seek therapy for greater self-awareness and communication skills.  The therapeutic goal for the passive aggressive person is to become aware of emotions as well as how (and why!) to communicate them effectively and respectfully to a partner.

If you are living with someone who is passive aggressive, it is important to seek therapy to reclaim control over your life.  The therapeutic goal, in this case, is to discover thoughts and feelings and how to act proactively for oneself.

Lauren Trecosta is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) who is passionate in her work to help clients develop and assert their voice, face life fearlessly, and live with integrity.