Tips for Negotiating Successfully, Part 1

At work, in your neighborhood, and in your family, you may from time to time run into a dispute that matters. You may want to negotiate with the other party about solving the problem. My work consists of facilitating negotiations, so here are a few tips.

If, like many, you have a win-lose mindset about negotiating, get past it. Negotiating well usually requires looking for a compromise that meets both parties’ needs. If you start with one position, such as a demand for sole custody of your children plus $1,000 per month in child support, and if you will feel that you lost unless you get exactly that outcome, you are likely to walk out feeling like a loser. If you start instead with a description of what you think the best outcome would be and are willing to settle for a plan that seems less than ideal but nevertheless acceptable, you give yourself room to work with the other party to resolve the problem.

Educate yourself about what the worst possible outcome would look like if negotiations fail. In the example I am building here, the worst possible outcome is obvious: going to court and hearing the judge award sole custody and a large amount of child support to the other parent. The best might be having the judge give you everything you want. In reality, that almost never happens, Hollywood notwithstanding. Honest lawyers will tell you that it is almost impossible to predict how a judge will rule. It makes sense for you to consider compromise solutions and remain in control of the outcome.

If possible, refrain from attacking the other party and rehashing all the terrible things that he or she has done. Blaming and criticizing lead mainly to hostility and defensiveness. The effect is the opposite of persuading the other party to agree to most of what you think is best or fair. 

If you can find common ground -- goals and values that you and the other party share -- do it. That gives you a foundation for working together to resolve areas in which you disagree. It also gives you a way to evaluate together whether a proposal you are discussing is consistent with the goals and values you share. For divorcing parents, the shared goal is often developing a plan that lets the children feel secure in each parent’s home and maintain a strong and positive relationship with each parent.

These are just basic tips. Prefering to keep my articles short, I will stop here for now. Your comments, stories, and other responses are welcome.

This article is for informational purposes only. The author is a Professional Family Mediator certified by the Virginia Supreme Court. She is not an attorney. Additional information is available at http://fairfaxmediator.com.