It is easy for divorced parents to put a lot of anxious focus on what the other parent is doing to or not doing for the child. Many parents get wrapped up in the worry that the child will be harmed if the other parent is not parenting according to their code. It is understandable since they love, feel guilty and protective of their child. However, if a parent can remember that the actual harm is not what the other parent is doing or not doing for the child ( other than abuse or neglect) but rather their anxiety about it. If the parent can instead do his own best thinking about how to parent his child and let his ex parent the way he thinks is best, the child will not be in harm’s way. If the parent takes a principled position and handle’s herself/himself well, the other parent usually steps up anyway. For example, let’s say one parent is not showing up to the child’s school conferences and activities. The other parent might be quite upset by this, worried since his child is sad that his parent is drifting away from him. The parent might get stirred up by this. However, if he allows his anxiety to drive his intensity with his ex, the child will feel this intensity – this will be more harmful than the ex not being involved. Instead, if this parent finds a way to manage himself, rather than trying to control his ex, he might say to her something like this, “ I would prefer if you could get to these meetings and activities – I know it will make a difference to Amanda. But if you choose not to, that is up to you. I will be at the meetings regardless. I would prefer, however, if you were more involved.
Of course, sometimes it will be the child’s place to discuss her complaints and frustrations of her parent to her parent – certain situations will be between them and it will not be the other parents place to be involved.
So how parents respond to the divorce is more crucial to the child’s future than the divorce itself. You can feel empowered knowing that although you can’t control and be absolutely assured of a positive outcome for your children post divorce, you do have great influence over its’ impact. As you keep managing your self maturely, your children will learn how to manage their own life and relationships successfully and thrive in the future!