College: To be or not to be? That is the question.

From My Side of the Desk
College: To be or not to be? That is the question.

College. This seven letter word probably holds more power over students from kindergarten through twelfth grade than any other, striking emotional chords that run the gamut from aversion to zeal. Depending on the year, and definitely by the time students become high school seniors, the majority will experience these feelings and every one that comes between them, sometimes on a day-to-day basis. Adding to the trepidation hiding in the crevices of the brains of students and parents are the theories that colleges are institutions of elitism or are liberal bastions. Like the emotional roller coaster that students and parents ride for thirteen years, they can be neither or both.

First of all, college is NOT for all adolescents, be they public, prep or home-schooled. What it is, though, is an option that must be made available to all young people, no matter their gender, ethnicity, religious orientation or economic level. Are some schools elitist? Yes, but most are all-inclusive. Reality check: Post high school education doesn’t offer a one item menu, but a buffet of choices, for the 1 percent folks as well as the 99 percent people. 

The top priority issue that some school districts, parents, politicians, and pundits must reconsider crops up when they buy a one-way ticket on the, “Everyone has to go to college” bandwagon. This attitude, a great disservice to children, creates an emotional and societal chasm between the winners (college-bound students) and the losers (those not planning to attend a four-year school). I know. I lived with the harmful effects of this fact for thirty years in the classroom, thirteen of which I mainly taught seniors.

Every fall when I began my How to Write College Admissions Essays unit, I dreaded the fear and sadness that clouded my students’ eyes. The anxiety about leaving everything they knew and setting off into an unknown realm was the easiest to contend with. My students and I, sometimes as a class and other times privately, would spend many hours discussing issues such as leaving BFF’s (“If they’re true friends they will stick with you no matter the miles that separate you,” I’d say), sharing closet-sized rooms and bathrooms (“Half of the college experience is living with others on an intimate level. Sometimes this is a perfect match, like cheeseburgers and bacon, and others, well, others are like a peanut butter and sweet pickle sandwich, sending you running to the housing honcho pleading for a room change.”), and homesickness (“Yes, you’ll probably come down with this. Thank your parents and siblings for giving you a life you cherish.”).

The fear and sadness that poured from my students, stemming from a firm belief that college was not for them, at least at that point in time in their lives, was much harder to quell. During our conversations, and these were always private, young men and women would often break down in tears as they detailed their reasons why they didn’t want to go to college the next fall.  The “I’m not smart enough” disclosures were the least complicated to handle.

We’d discuss his/her GPA, academic abilities, personal motivation and future dreams.  Often these kids just needed their confidence to be bolstered and would come to understand that their fears arose when they compared themselves to their peers’ academic successes instead of honestly looking at their own talents. “You have the ability to succeed,” I’d say. “Do you have the desire and the courage to try, though? I think you do or we wouldn’t even be discussing this.”

Oh, but those who knew in the deepest part of their hearts that college was not for them, not because they feared  their ability to do the work, or leaving their family and friends,  but because they had dreams different from those of their parents, friends and society, they were the painful cases. In these situations, the coat of courage that I asked them to don was one that forced them to shed their defensiveness, to lose their attitudes toward any opinion different from theirs, and to open themselves for a heart-to-heart discussion with their parents.

When those adolescents faced the fact that that they truly weren’t mature enough to handle the rigors of making all of their own decisions- from getting to that 8:00 class to writing that ten-page essay when their friends were playing Frisbee, to partying hearty instead of taking in the newest movie- I urged them to express this to their parents. If their passion entailed joining the police or fire departments, enlisting in the military, or studying a trade, I explained that they needed to be totally honest about this. If they actually did want to go to college, but not the one that Dad and Mom were dead set on, then they had to make a case for their choice, and, if need be, offer ideas to finance this venture. I reminded them of a recurring message in most literature: The lack of communication will always lead to heartache and if they chose to avoid an open and honest dialogue with their parents, then that tuition check may as well be used as kindling for the next barbeque.

As a parent, I can attest to the fact that this whole college dilemma was not a hop, skip and jump down that proverbial yellow brick road for my family. Like Dorothy (The Wizard of Oz), my husband and I had to find the courage to truly hear our children’s reasoning, to listen to the truth that lay in our hearts about our kids, especially when we didn’t want to face it, and to use our brains objectively, not subjectively. Although our dreams for our children and their visions usually were on the same track, occasionally we found ourselves at different stations. At those times we had to agree to disagree and, a few times, to work together to devise alternative and mutually acceptable plans. That wasn’t easy.

Neither is listening to those who say college is for everyone or that they are liberal breeding grounds. Although I have spent the majority of this blog on the former theory, I just have to address the latter thought. Will college kids run into philosophies, ethical and moral choices and life-styles different from theirs sometimes polar opposites, in fact? Yes, but so will everyone who takes on the world outside of home and school, whether they go to college or not. None of us lives in a vacuum, especially in this world of the Internet and social media sites. But if children have been given a solid foundation to stand on, and one that they embrace, they will survive any temptations to stray too far from the nest’s values. Will they stretch those ethics and morals more than we parents would like? Maybe. But they won’t turn their backs on them, either. After all not too many of us find that our footprints and our parents are exact matches. And that’s okay.

Note: I personally love peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. Any time I mentioned this to my students, though, they would gag.

Until next week,

Connie
www.teachitwrite.com