"I have a friend." Teen Dating Abuse

From My Side of the Desk:

“I Have a friend.” Teen Dating Abuse

“You’re the teacher who wrote the book, right?” The question broke my concentration, and I looked up from the essay that I was grading on existentialism in Albert Camus’s The Stranger to see a willowy brunette leaning on the lectern near my desk, chewing on her lip.

I clicked my purple pen closed, and smiled at her. “I published a book, A Fine Line, if that’s what you mean.” She tried to grin, but the sadness in her eyes overshadowed her weak attempt, and she just nodded at me instead. My eyes took in the long-sleeved shirt, buttoned up to her throat and at the cuffs and the jeans.  Much too warm of an outfit to wear on such an unseasonably warm April day; my stomach churned. Without a doubt, I knew what she would say next, and that made me oh so sad.

“Yeah. That one,” she said as she sank onto the stool beside her and uttered the words I dreaded to hear once again, “I have a friend. Her boyfriend is mean to her.”

I have a friend. Way too many young women have murmured those four words to me in the eighteen years since I wrote my young adult novel on teen dating abuse. When I was researching this topic in 1992, I found very little information on the subject. Adult domestic abuse filled many pages on search engines and in books at the library, but articles on abusive teen relationships were a rarity. Even the guidance counselors I approached had little to offer. We all suspected it, but we had nothing more than circumstantial evidence gleaned from a few oblique references from a few kids. No one denied its ugly presence, but neither could they point me in the direction of substantive research with real facts and statistics instead of superficialities. Instead, I gathered information from students who confided in me about friends, my teenage daughter and son and their friends, and the sparse references I found. Also, I dredged up memories of a verbally hurtful relationship I experienced in high school and the three years of stalking that my ex instigated after I broke up with him for usable plot material.

Not until the late 90’s did the topic begin to crop up on television shows such as Oprah. Now the Internet is flooded with information about its prevalence and frequency. A quick Google check using the search terms: teen dating abuse will result in pages and pages of sites, stories, videos and images. They all define it in much the same way. Dating abuse can be verbal, physical, sexual and/or emotional and occurs when one partner manipulates the other to yield to his/her demands. Power and control are the key issues here. It crosses, race, religious, socio-economic and sexual preference lines. Males can be victims as well as females; girls tend to be verbally abusive or to hurt themselves to keep control, whereas boys tend to harm their partners. I was lucky; my situation had never escalated to more than constant verbal barbs, which was more than I was willing to accept. Too many adolescents aren't so fortunate. Some teens are victimized occasionally, others… daily.

All too often, television newscasts and online news sites air a story about a teenage romance that has turned violent. For weeks recently, area media covered the trial in Charlottesville on the murder of UVA student Yeardley Love. And although every aspect of this case was explored and analyzed in detail, very few reports revealed the stark facts and statistics on the all too common dating violence, and they are heartbreakingly ugly.

Here are a few facts culled from sites such as: BreakTheCycle.org, LoveIsRespect.org,
and ACADV.org.

• Nationwide, nearly 1.5 million teens are physically abused by their dating partner yearly.
• Teen dating abuse far exceeds other types of youth violence.
• One in ten teens has been purposely hit, slapped or physically abused by a boy/girlfriend.
• Twenty-five percent of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse.
• Young women, 16-24 are three times more likely to experience dating violence than women in all other age brackets.
• Violent behavior usually starts in the teenage years, and 66 percent of the time this violence follows them into adult relationships.
• About 40 percent of teenage girls say that their discussions with friends often involve dating control issues.
• A staggering 57 percent of teens know someone who has been verbally, physically or sexually abused in a dating relationship.
• Only 33 percent of dating abuse victims ever told anyone.
• Of parents surveyed, 81 percent don’t believe teen dating abuse is an issue or don’t know if it is an issue.

All of these facts are mindboggling, but the last two concern me the most. Why do these victims keep silent instead of seeking help? Shame? Guilt? Their fear of ostracism from their peers? Their belief in their innocently naïve excuses that I have heard much too often, “I didn’t realize it was wrong until he hurt me,” or, “It was my fault. I made him mad when I: didn’t text back right away, disagreed with him, bought him a cheeseburger instead of a bacon cheeseburger, etc,” or “He’s jealous because he loves me; that’s so romantic”? The comment that chills me to the core is the one that 95 percent of the girls who have talked openly with me have reiterated at the end of their stories, after they have owned up to the fact that the friend is actually them: “Better a bad boyfriend than none at all.”

Although my children are now grown and on their own, as a parent I still remember those teenage years when I knew that my daughter and son were struggling with personal, social or academic challenges they faced on their roads to responsible adulthood. I remember wondering when and how I should express my concerns without turning them away with too many questions. How did I let them know that something in their demeanor, actions, words (or lack thereof) worried me without appearing intrusive, overly-protective or judgmental in their eyes? I still wonder those things, and probably always will.

We need to, “Teach our children well” as the old Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young lyrics said. As parents, we need to be able to discern the difference between lovesickness and a sick relationship and to teach our children to do the same. We need to teach our young people that a loving relationship will not permit controlling behavior, possessiveness, aggression, demands for intimacy or giving up any other friendships. We need to teach our boys that they can be attentive and supportive of their girlfriends without losing their masculinity. We need to teach our girls that abuse is never normal, that jealousy and possessiveness is not romantic, and that they are not solely responsible for solving all of the serious problems that might evolve in their dating relationships. Help does exist.

We need to find out if they are aware of this scourge and start dialogues about teen dating abuse: the facts, the warning signs (see below), the realities, the avenues they can go to for help, to answer questions and concerns with objective guidance (that’s the tough part) and let them know that we are ready to listen, just listen, and to offer advice if they are willing to hear what we have to say
(another fine line communication hurdle to overcome).

Schools need to make information on teen dating abuse as public and available as they do bullying and substance and alcohol abuse with posters, assemblies, speakers and seminars. They need to educate their staffs on the warning clues: physical signs of injury, truancy, drops in grades, changes in mood or personality, isolation and how they should deal with a situation they feel is suspect.

States need to revise their laws regarding a minor's ability to obtain a Protective Order (PO). According to a 2010 State Law Report Card on this issue, Virginia received an F because although a minor can request a PO, the law is not specific as to the level of abuse that has to have occurred in order to do so. Also, it excludes people in dating relationships (compared to those who are married or living together) from getting one. (I do believe that in light of Yeardley Love's death this law will become more victim-supportive as of July 1st, but I couldn't corroborate this or find the details.). The Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance (1 800 838-8238) is a great place to seek information and help, though.

When my book was published in 1992, not too many people were ready to face the fact that this issue exists for our young men and women. The 84 copies, remainders sent to me by my publisher attest to this. Hopefully they are now willing to force this dating abuse monster out of the darkness where it hides from society and into the public eye. We must stop conversations from starting with, “I have a friend.”

Ten Warning Signs of Abuse (from BreakTheCycle.org):

1. Checking your cell phone or email without permission
2. Constant put-downs
3. Extreme jealousy or insecurity
4. Explosive temper
5. Financial control
6. Isolating you from family or friends
7. Mood swings
8. Physically hurting you in any way
9. Possessiveness
10. Telling a partner what to do, wear, etc.

Until next week,
Connie
www.teachitwrite.com