My past tends to linger around in fragments; pieces of life shackled around my ankles that follow me wherever I go. I have been in a hundred different cities in a dozen different states but one thing has always remained constant; my addictions. There's a saying in NA that summarizes it perfectly. "No matter where I go, there I am," and it's so true. Certain moments in time molded me into the person I became. Regardless of if this is suppose to be who I am or not, this is what I became.
If left to my own devices I self destruct. It's as simple as that. I desperately need other people. I need more than the repetitive conversation going on inside my head. I need real words from real voices with real meaning. If I don't have that then I very quickly set off to find it in heroin. Without a program of people I would fail. I would royally fail every time. I spend so much time inside of my head that I tend to get stuck there. For days that turn to weeks, weeks that turn to months, and months that turn to years I'll lay dormant as a slave to my own brain. It's happened so many times; this huge blanket that swallows me until I'm left suffocating in my own skin.
I'm so thankful I was in the Outpatient Substance Abuse (IOP) program at Prince William Hospital this time around. When that blanket started smothering me into the ground the counselors saw it, they came towards me, and when I couldn't even meet them halfway they came closer. They're easily some of the most genuine, sincere, caring, and intelligent people I've ever met. Somehow they were able to sift through all the monotonous stuttering I spat out every time I tried to speak and listen for what I was actually trying to say and they heard it. Somehow they always heard what I wanted to say but couldn't. All I had to do was show up, sit down, bring a little bit of willingness, and they met me from there. That's what truth does. It meets you wherever you are. It amazed me. It absolutely amazed me.
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Recovery is simple but far from easy. It's people in a community that offer a new way of life expecting nothing in return. It's finding hope and joy and faith and happiness in even the smallest things. It's a conversation that started before me and will go on after me but somewhere along the line included me. I got to be a part of a conversation that has saved millions of people's lives. If I achieve nothing else in my lifetime at least I'll know that I was a part of something great. I was a part of something that saves.
