When Family Mediation Fails: Custody Battles

I have lost count of the sad, sad stories I have heard about people who tried mediation but failed to reach an agreement. Sometimes I get really angry at one or both lawyers involved in the case. (This is not an anti-attorney rant! Many family law attorneys are really good people trying to help their clients reach reasonable settlements.) 

I had one case in which both parents told me the other person was a good parent even though the parents fought abusively with each other. Although they could not rapidly reach agreement on all issues, both were willing for the father to have 3-day weekends with the preschool child. Then, as if speaking for the mother, the mom’s attorney told the judge that “we” were not comfortable with the dad having any overnight visitation. So a big part of a war that could easily have ended went on for months of hearings and arguments and anger -- anger between parents with a history of violent fighting. The mom’s attorney probably thought he was doing what was best for the mother and best for the child. Living in a war zone is rarely best for the child.

In another case a dad wanted shared custody but the mom wanted sole custody and would not compromise in mediation. The dad paid about 140% of his gross annual income to his attorney, putting himself deeply in debt for the next several years. The mom probably paid more. Money that could have paid for two or three years of college for two kids left the family. Even worse, the kids were in a war zone for more than a year. Both parents were anxious and angry. The kids rarely knew when they would be allowed to see their dad again. In the end, the judge ordered shared custody, but much of the damage to the children was irreversible. The parents were so busy finding weapons they could use against each other and dealing with their own emotions, the kids had to take care of themselves much of the time.

Custody battles are hell for all members of the family.

Thinking about issues such as these during what is supposed to be a happy holiday season is tough. If you do need to think about them, educate yourself about family mediation. 

 

This article is for informational purposes only. Nothing here should be construed as legal advice.

The author is a Certified Family Mediator. She is not an attorney. Additional information is available at fairfaxmediator.com.