When we try to protect self-esteem above character building and self-discipline development, we end up robbing boys (and girls) of the chance to make and learn from the kinds of mistakes and struggles that ensure high self-esteem in the long run.
- We say to the hero," We will always hover near you making sure you never have to go through the undergrowth."
- We say, "We kind of want you to gain strength, but not if it means you really face hardship in battle."
We have, as a culture, come to overly protect self-esteem for good reason: we don't want any child to be abused. But in hopes of removing actual abuse from children's lives, we may have exaggerated the positive benefits of noncompetition, constant praise, and continual verbalization of feelings.
The undergrowth, the dark stuff, the difficulties, the struggles, the suffering, and yes, the battles, also build a hero.
Each child must struggle constantly to understand his own inner demons and flaws, and to understand pain and evil in the world for what they are? Can we imagine Moses, Jesus, David, Paul, or any hero we know who became a true servant of God (with high self-esteem as an adult) who did not go through profound suffering?
While we must protect a child from abuse, we need not protect our sons from struggles. While we have, as a culture, come to overly protect self-esteem for good reason -- our deep love of children -- we no longer need to exaggerate the positive benefits of noncompetition and constant praise. We can focus again on experiential character-building, helping our boys learn what is the right through actual experiences of doing wrong as well as doing right. They must fail in life in order to succeed in life.
Through taking risks and getting help that fits the risk, they learn experientially (through many moments of low self-esteem) how to channel energy and creativity into good and noble purposes. As long as the boy is growing emotionally and morally, his self-esteem will emerge from difficulties and disappointments just fine. If he is supported by healthy maternal and parental nurturance, boy-friendly schooling, positive influence of mentors, a lot of actions and jobs and character, and a life-journey directed toward heroic manhood, his self-esteem will develop naturally and well, even as he suffers.
He will become even stronger and his resiliency even more pronounced because we let him suffer in order to grow.
As you study your son and his life, take a little time to talk in your family and community about all this. If you see abuse happening -- if, for example, a coach is being cruel and repeatedly singling out a child for damaging humiliation -- this is of course a place to immediately intervene and rescue the boy. But if the abuse is not occurring, talk about the value of failure and frustration that temporarily hurt self-esteem but in the long run will build enduring self-esteem and character.
The Power of Perseverance
Thomas Edison reportedly said, when asked about his failures to come up with a working light bulb, "I have not failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work." He also said, "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
Certainly it is true that failure can stop a boy in his tracks. Fear of inadequacy can rear up like an impenetrable wall on his road to manhood. Boys can become depressed. Excessively critical perfectionism on our parts can harm or son's self-esteem.
But boys also need to know that we expect them to accept failure when it happens, learn from their mistakes and those circumstances, and find ways to redeem the failure and build self-discipline. This is all part of the hero's quest.
The above is excerpted from Raising Boys By Design: What the Bible and Brain Science Reveal About What Your Son Needs To Thrive by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, and Michael Gurian.