Is Your Teenager Having Sex?

Editor's Note: Moms Talk Q&A is a new feature on Patch that is part of a new initiative to reach out to moms and families.

Each week, our of smart moms from Menomonee Falls and Sussex take your questions, give advice and share solutions.  Moms Talk will also be the place to drop in for a talk about the latest parenting hot topic.

 We invite you to be part of this ongoing conversation by commenting below.

It’s an issue that concerns many parents – teen sex. As adults we know the dangers of teenagers engaging in sexual activity, but all too often teens think of it more casually and don’t consider the consequences.  Even more worrisome is that sexual activity is happening at a younger age.

While teen pregnancy is the most publicized danger of teen sex, there are many challenges a teen faces when engaging in sexual behavior, including STDs and emotional consequences.  Furthermore, it’s reported that teens are experimenting in risky sexual behavior not thought of years ago, such as rainbow parties and sexting.

What are your thoughts on this topic? How are you raising your children to handle these challenges? We want to hear from you.  Please tell us your thoughts by commenting at the bottom of this article. 

Our Moms Council is made up of five women from the Falls and Sussex with children ranging in ages from 17 months to 17 years old.  Here’s what they have to say:

My children are still young so I haven’t had to worry about them having sex just yet.  At the ages of 6, 4, and 1, I believe my husband and I are already doing things to prevent the likelihood of them having sex at a young age. 

We are a very affectionate family with lots of hugs, kisses, and “I love yous”.  We have an open line of communication where they can ask questions about anything that comes up.  Right now it’s usually questions like “Why does Darth Vader wear a mask all the time?” or “Why does February only have 28 days?”, but I’m sure the questions will get harder as they get older and I plan to openly discuss with them any topic that comes up. I think if my husband and I provide enough love, support, and guidance at home that they will not easily be swayed to find “love” at a young age. 

There are going to be many different reactions to this topic, and that is the problem we are facing today with our teenagers. We weren't offered sex education in high school until our sophomore or junior year, as in my case.  Even for back then, that was too late.  

I got much of the information I learned about sex from my girlfriends, not my parents.  My father believed his only job was to keep the boys away from us (I had two sisters).  My senior year, I got a boyfriend second semester and fell deep in love.  I had to "outsmart" my parents to see him.  Hence, the sneaking out to see him and to go to parties with my girlfriends started.  

I'm sure that a lot of other "sheltered" kids back then can say the same.  Most of us figured out how to outsmart our parents, but were so naive that we could have gotten ourselves in trouble, or maybe did!  You see, my parent's mistake was not having "the talk" with me at an earlier age.  Like I said, I was raised in an immigrant household, and we just didn't talk of such things.  

Fast forward 25 years, and now I am the mother of four wonderful children.  My oldest is 17, and I can personally say that because of the way that I grew up, I want my child to be smart about life, even at his young age.  Most important is for parents to put themselves in their kids' shoes and remember where they were at that age.  

I thought I knew it all by the time I was 17.  I feel it's important for parents to talk to their kids and keep the lines of communication open so that their kids can feel comfortable talking to them when subjects such as being ready for sex arise.  But how do we know when the right age is to open up those lines of communication?

 Well, for me, with my oldest, it started early.  He was 12 when I noticed that he was talking to his friends about girls, or looking at girls a little longer than normal. So, my husband and I sat down with him and gave him the talk.  Two years later, we had Planned Parenthood come to our house to speak to him and a dozen of his friends with their parents' consent.  The topics were STDs and healthy relationships. 

Parents must remember to keep themselves informed on what is going on with teenagers today.  I learned about "Rainbow Parties" from Oprah's show over a year and a half ago.  For those parents that don't know, that is where the girls wear different color lipsticks.  At the end of the party, the boy with the most lipstick rings around his penis is the "winner." 

I have another son who is 6 years old, and I have learned so much from raising my oldest.  I know not to be a "naive" parent with the happenings of teenagers, and hope to learn more as the years go by.  I learned from my parents to keep my kids busy.  We all know boredom leads to trouble.  I tell you what, my daughters who are 3 and 7, and my 6-year-old son will probably be the smartest and wisest kids ever! It's never too early to start talking to our kids about healthy relationships and good decision making.

The number of teen pregnancies in the United States is staggering. The risky sexual behaviors that our teens are engaging in is horrifying and the fact that it isn't getting better is enough to give this mother of three young children a heart attack.

 What is happening in our society? After chatting with my friends and family, we seem to unanimously believe that greater parental involvement is the key.  I was raised by parents who knew where I was and who I was with 24/7.  Sound like a dictatorship?  Not even close.  I was taught, day one, that when you treat yourself and others with respect, you gain trust and self esteem.  There were always consequences to my bad behavior and you better believe that my parents followed through with their threats.  

Parents today overindulge their children and try to be their "friends" instead of being their parents.  Sure, I would love to be the "cool mom" but I want, more importantly, for my children to respect me.  With respect, comes confidence and self esteem.  These are qualities that kids who engage in risky sexual behavior lack.  

I do not believe teens simply have sex because it's fun or feels good and satisfies urges.  I think teens are seeking approval of their peers, attention or even love from their partners and self-esteem.  What teens lack is the maturity to know that approval, love and self-esteem do not come from sex.  As a parent, it is my job to teach my children how to acquire approval, love and self-esteem in a more healthy and internal way.

As a parent, I wonder how much information to give my children as they approach their teen years.  Is there an age that's appropriate or acceptable to start engaging in sex?  

Society seems to try and define that for us, but I believe it's an individual decision.  Do I tell my children that if they decide to engage in sexual behavior that they should protect themselves with condoms or birth control?  Is that sending them the message that it's OK to engage in sex as long as they are taking precautions?  I think sometimes that's what our sex education programs do.  Teachers cannot stop hormones, emotions or urges but they can at least give our children the option to stay safe.  

I appreciate their attempts, but ultimately, the emotional side of sex needs to be addressed by the parents with their children.  I want my children to understand that they are precious, their bodies are to be respected and only a person who truly loves them in mind, body and soul deserves to share the intimacy of sex with them. 

I don't believe my children can learn such a deep, personal lesson in a classroom.  When it's time for my children to engage in sex, I want to know that I have done everything in my power to help them make the right choice.

I grew up the daughter of a Lutheran pastor and a Lutheran teacher in a conservative household.  I admit I was a bit naïve and sheltered for a good part of my life, but I don’t mind. I would love to think that now, as a mother, I can keep my young children, ages 6, 4, and 1, sheltered from the issues they may eventually encounter such as teen sex, but I know that’s not reality.  It’s everywhere you look – on television, in magazines, kids talking on the bus, at school, or on the playground.

I plan to educate my children on the topic of sex and the dangers of risky behavior, while keeping the lines of communication open so they know they can always come to me with questions and concerns.  I know this is easier said than done, but I do believe that raising them in a household with Christian values is an important first step. 

The way my husband and I start molding them – beginning as early as the toddler years – has a lot to do with the decisions they will eventually make as a tween and teen.  We can’t be with our children 24/7 protecting them from all ensuing harm, so we have to do our best to create an atmosphere where they feel comfortable coming to us, and when they need to rely on their own instincts and decisions, pray that we’ve done our part in helping them develop the values, morals and strength to withstand the temptations they will be faced with.

Kids having sex at a younger age really makes me wonder if they could possibly understand the consequence. Do kids know about the STDs they can catch or that they can get pregnant at that age?

The media make sex seem appealing to kids and I feel that it is up to the parents to teach kids the correct way to deal with the issue of sex. Schools try to touch on the subject, but should school be the way our kids learn about it?

Friends of mine who all have kids in the schools say that it makes them very sad to see kids at middle and high school levels all talking about sex so casually. They even seem to second guess the way that they are raising their own kids, they all are trying very hard to do the right thing. I guess I am also in that same thought. I can only hope that I teach my girls enough so they do not take sex for granted and do the right thing.