COLUMN: When I'm Dictator Of The Tuscaloosa Metro ...

*This is a satirical humor column*

"When a President goes through the White House door and does what he says he'll do, we'll all be drinking that free Bubble Up and eating that rainbow stew."

- Merle Haggard, "Rainbow Strew" (1981)

TUSCALOOSA, AL — Much talk resulted from this week's revelation that Republican State Sen. Gerald Allen introduced a constitutional amendment that, if passed, would result in the creation of a new form of urban-county government for the Tuscaloosa metropolitan area.

As Patch reported on Friday, this would merge the political assets and public resources of Tuscaloosa County, the City of Tuscaloosa and the City of Northport to form what would be, in effect, a Super County Commission with a mayor for the entire metro area.

ALSO READ: Analysis | The Pros & Cons Of A Metro Government For Tuscaloosa County

The most intriguing aspect of this dynamic for me, however, is the metro mayor's office, so I decided to have some fun with it.

In a time where the projection of strength is needed more than ever to reinforce trust in our public servants, is the title of mayor not too soft? Too bureaucratic?

No, I don't think that will do at all. Instead, I have already begun to lay the groundwork for my vision for the office of Tuscaloosa Metropolitan Dictator and the political party that will bring me to absolute power.

Benevolence will be my guiding principal if elected by the fine people of this metro and my passion for service will be so unrelenting that I will harbor no plans to cede power until I'm dragged from office or succumb to natural causes.

And since every authoritarian grassroots political movement needs a formative set of guiding principles and a foundational text, here is my 10-point plan for once I'm elected Dictator of the Tuscaloosa Metro.

Manifesto Of The Tuscaloosa Metro Possum Party

1. The Foundation

Us simple folks are tired of the boring old way things have been done for decades across the metro — raising taxes for boring capital projects to benefit children who don't even pay taxes, providing funding for libraries full of dusty books most adults can't even read or spending the revenue from YOUR hard-earned tax dollars to pave roads that will just need to be paved again one day.

The second I am sworn in as your new leader, we will completely cut spending on these useless projects and redistribute those tax dollars to begin reshaping the landscape of the metro for the next 100 years.

Too long have the people of Tuscaloosa suffered without a domed stadium to compliment our soon-to-be christened state cathedral of Bryant-Denny Stadium, which will henceforth only be used for games when the weather is ideal or if I need a large venue for a political rally.

We will also use this revenue to provide competitive economic incentives to attract a Major League Baseball team to our fine metro.

It's also time that the regular people begin pulling their weight, so all public employees — police, clerks, garbage collectors, parks officials, etc. — will see their positions terminated and replaced with a new public works program requiring all citizens under the age of 80 to serve rotations in these crucially important jobs.

The employees to fill these jobs will be selected on a monthly basis and announced via lottery to be live-streamed only on TikTok. We intend to turn Tuscaloosa into an all-inclusive utopia, so the jobs will be filled at random and not decided upon based on age, gender, physical ability or any preexisting medical conditions.

2. Iconography

Flags of all kinds will be prohibited from exhibition and the new banner of our state will be the one awarded for our most recent national championship. These will fly during business hours and a flag code implemented to ensure protection from traitorous elements in our community.

The living room of each home will also be mandated to feature portraits of the following individuals: the Supreme Dictator of the Metro, Bear Bryant and Sally Field as Forrest Gump's mama.

What's more, no expense will be spared in the construction of a Tuscaloosa Metro Mt. Rushmore on the old McFarland Mall property that will include the profiles of the Supreme Dictator of the Metro, Chief Tuskaloosa, Shelton State Baseball Coach Bobby Sprowl and Deontay Wilder.

Denny Chimes will become our Washington Monument and I will deliver my State of the Metro address from the steps of Gorgas Library ahead of the first home football game of each season.

3. Political Balance Of Power

So many of society's woes can be traced back to political parties, which will serve no use in our New World Order.

Indeed, the new government will consist solely of members of the Tuscaloosa Metro Possum Party, who will be required to take an oath of allegiance and exhibit the ability to recite at least one dozen songs by George Jones.

All former elected leaders from across the metro will be granted amnesty under the condition they receive RFID tracking microchips and donate three-quarters of all future wages earned to fund the installation of new Marshall-brand audio speakers to be placed at each major intersection throughout the metro.

These speakers will then have a 24/7 connection to my Spotify account, which will be placed on shuffle mode and provide the people with the culture they so desperately need.

4. The Children Are Our Future

A strong society is only as strong as the next generation of leaders, so a premium will be placed on cultural education and civic pride for our youngest citizens. No more of this brainwashing and indoctrination that's been allowed for far too long.

At the beginning of each school day, children in both public and private schools will be required to stand — hand over their hearts — as "All In Alabama" by Hank Williams Jr. is played in its entirety. Any act of defiance or disrespect during this sacred moment will be viewed as treason on the part of the student and their parents/guardians/immediate family.

What's more, any books, magazines or any other media mentioning the cities of Auburn, Baton Rouge or Knoxville will be explicitly banned.

Instead, John Updike's biography of Coach Bryant and "The Junction Boys" by Jim Dent will be considered foundational texts of the new state religion and thus will be required reading for students beginning as early as kindergarten. All other religious or political texts will be prohibited.

All confiscated contraband will then be ceremonially destroyed during the annual Homecoming bonfire, of which I will oversee as Supreme Grand Marshal in perpetuity.

Also prohibited will be any public or private mention of the Mike Shula Era or the Kick-Six as we cleanse the unjustifiably skewed narrative around our utopian society.

Violations of these statutes will be punishable at a minimum with hard labor in one of our new state-of-the-art re-education camps, which you will learn more about shortly.

5. Public Safety

Over will be the days of widespread gun violence and worries over the efficacy and honesty of law enforcement. And with the influx of new revenue from tax and wage reform, our metro will have the means to truly invest in public safety.

To project strength within and outside of our metro, I will begin with using whatever resources are required to hire former heavyweight boxing champion Deontay Wilder as our new metro sheriff.

And in an effort to provide fair reforms to our criminal justice system, all felony offenders will be offered an alternate sentence of 10 rounds in the ring with the former champ.

If the offender somehow manages to go the distance, their criminal record will be expunged and the redeemed individual will then be deputized into our new paramilitary peacekeeping force: the Possum Posse or PP.

These true frontline patriots will wear T-shirts featuring a depiction of our new official metro animal — the regal North American Opossum — and will be armed with automatic Orbeez-brand air rifles and water balloons filled with vinegar.

The most serious offense to the state, though, will be thought crimes and crimes against the party, which will include, among other dire violations:

• Saying "War Eagle."
• Putting pineapple on pizza.
• Dressing like any character on "Yellowstone."
• Complaining about the humidity.
• Propagating anything perceived as "Bro Country" music.

Violators of these strictly enforced commandments will be denied a trial of their peers and sentenced to hard labor and re-education at the new 800,000-square-foot gulag I will build in the Sispey Swamp after closing the Tuscaloosa County Jail.

The goal will be to humanely rehabilitate these offenders through repeatedly showing "Forrest Gump" on large televisions around the complex, while loudspeakers will only play "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Dixieland Delight" for those breaking rocks or digging up stumps around the property.

6. The Economy

In taking our metro back, the assets of all financial institutions will be immediately seized by the Metro Council and redistributed as seen fit by the Supreme Dictator.

The capital collected from these appropriations will then be converted into our own metro currency, with paper bills being provided in the following denominations.

• $2 — featuring the likeness of Derrick Henry.
• $6 — for the number of titles won by Bear Bryant. His likeness will also be featured.
• $18 — for the current number of football national championships, which will be subject to change. Big Al will be featured on this denomination of currency.
• $55 — featuring the likeness of Derrick Thomas.
• $97 — featuring Cornelius Bennett sacking Notre Dame's Steve Beuerlein.

The price of all libations other than White Claw or other hard seltzers will be capped at $3 per unit, while the loss of revenue will be offset by mandating that the minimum per-unit price for seltzers be set at $20. Each household will receive a monthly ration of one-gallon of brown liquor at no cost, which will be financed through reforms to the tax code.

Lastly, all private business and heavy industry will be absorbed by the Metro and repurposed to facilitate the need for whiskey production and provide new operational hubs for Golden Flake so the iconic brand can have a home in Alabama to produce its Louisiana Hot Sauce Pork Rinds — the official snack of the Tuscaloosa Metro.

7. Culture & Civic Pride

In forming our own metro identity, the Fourth of July will be replaced by the Third of December to celebrate the day that Coach Bryant was hired. What's more, Thanksgiving will be replaced with "Nicksgiving" on Jan. 9, to commemorate the first national title won during the Saban Era.

Those found not observing these holidays will be prosecuted as traitors and exiled to Lee County.

Too long has our society been indoctrinated into celebrating flimsy ideals like patriotism and dusty, irrelevant stories in history books. To address this, I will ensure we return to teaching our kids what it means to be from Tuscaloosa. After all, how else will the next generation have a sense of place if the culture is not prominently displayed for all to see?

Since we will no longer have a need to acknowledge the Old Gods of municipal and county government, all public buildings will be renamed to honor those TRUE patriots who should be celebrated.

• Tuscaloosa County Courthouse — The Kenny Stabler Metropolitan Justice Center
• Tuscaloosa City Hall — The DeVonta Smith Municipal Complex
• Northport City Hall & Civic Center — The Le'Ron McClain Civic Center

Federal courts will cease to have jurisdiction in our metro and the federal courthouse in downtown Tuscaloosa will become the Dictator's Mansion for the new Metro Government.

8. Elections

Elections are what got us to this point and we will have no future need for them once the metropolitan government is installed. After these inaugural elections, I promise to immediately impeach those elected to the Metro Council and replace them with true patriots of my choosing or do away with the legislative body altogether.

In lieu of elections for any smaller offices that may require such a procedure to fill a vacancy, candidates will be given the option of deciding the outcome through a long-drive competition at Ol' Colony Golf Complex or a game of HORSE to be played at Coleman Coliseum in front of all registered voters of the district in question.

Metro-wide elections will only be held in the event that I have difficulty deciding on whether to rename a street, bridge or building after an Alabama football star or outlaw country singer.

Regardless of the outcome, authority to certify the results of any elections will rest solely with either myself or Coach Saban, who will be appointed chief magistrate of our Metropolitan Criminal & Probate Court.

9. Media & Information

Upon my swearing-in, all news media operating in the Tuscaloosa Metro will be liquidated and Tuscaloosa Patch will be the official state-run media outlet.

All forms of news other than the printed word featured on the Tuscaloosa Patch website will be considered crimes against the state.

In an effort to preserve jobs and reward loyalty among disenfranchised members of the local news corps, former reporters, editors and producers will be offered well-paying jobs as part of an exciting new secret police force and domestic intelligence service.

10. Spreading The Revolution

No, my comrades, our revolution will not stop at the city limits once I'm elected.

What would be the point of that?

Instead, the overarching crusade of our utopian society will seek to steadily grow our footprint as we consolidate power and spread our message of cultural totalitarianism to the surrounding counties and states, laying the foundation for a Crimson-colored city state to rival the likes of Athens or Rome — and I'm not talking about the ones in Georgia.

Imagine it brothers and sisters: We will one day topple statues in Montgomery and turn the state capitol grounds into the Walk of Champions. Down with the statue of Jefferson Davis and Long Live The Bear!

This expanded revolution will be made possible through our limited, but necessary interactions with the outside state government, which will no doubt continue to provide us representation in the legislature, where we can influence policy to forward our metropolitan agenda.

The laws of this state will begin to slowly reflect the closely held ideals of our motivated minority and, if the spirit of Coach Bryant wills it from above, our children and their children will grow up in a Tuscaloosa Metropolitan area that stretches from the Tennessee Valley to Gulf Shores.

Viva la revolución y'all and Roll Tide!

Ryan Phillips is the founder of Tuscaloosa Patch and an award-winning journalist, editor and columnist. This satirical column is meant solely to be humorous in nature and is in no way to be taken as a serious reflection of ideals held by anyone, including Phillips or Patch.com