No Woman Is an Island: What is Love?

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and I’ve been thinking about love and relationships. What is love? How do we find it? How do we know if it is True Love or not? Many of us have experienced the early stages of love, beginning with the “crush.” You see him or her and something about them just draws you. You want to be near them, you can’t stop thinking about them.

If you are lucky, this is reciprocated and you enter Infatuation. This is a fun stage where you try to spend all your time together. This phase is like those movie montages of the happy couple doing all kinds of crazy romantic things: riding the carousel, sharing a milkshake, walking on the beach and jumping in the waves, all with a fun and romantic song playing on the soundtrack.

Gradually the lucky couple will move to the next phase: Romantic Idealization a.k.a. the Honeymoon Period. At first it is all about attraction but gradually you get to know each other as people and see how you fit together as a couple. This is the first phase that is subject to rational thought. If you make it through this, you may get to the deepest level: True Partnership, which may not sound that romantic, but it is the rarest and most valuable stage of all.

So, how do you know if your love is true partnership material? Well first of all let’s specify that it is important to start with the attraction of the infatuation phase. True love is not completely rational. It is a little bit magic. Correction: It is a lot magic. You can’t start with a checklist. On the way to a true partnership you will almost certainly face many challenges, and your chances of meeting them successfully go way up if you start with some magic.

Okay, you have that magic spark. Good. Now, how do you know if you are really right for each other? I can’t answer that question for you, but I can give you some questions to ask yourself. Obviously, you must ask yourself how you feel about him or her. Of course you are attracted to him, but do you like him? Do you actually enjoy his company? Yes, you think she is beautiful, but do you respect her? Do you value her thoughts and opinions?

Now here is something that may surprise you: more important than how you feel about them is how you feel about yourself when you are with them. Do you feel attractive, smart, funny, insightful, interesting, valued? In short, does this person make you feel like your best self?

If the answers to these questions are positive, it does not mean that it is all smooth sailing from here on out. There will be bumps along the road. There will be obstacles, and, I won't lie to you, some of them may be insurmountable. But if you start with a little magic and make it through Romantic Idealization feeling like your best self, then you are well on your way to True Partnership.

Good luck and have fun on your journey!