Making Alameda "Unique"

Recently, local papers bannered the news “Planning Board Approves Alameda Landing Design.”

While our representatives in the U.S. Congress rarely approve anything, our local Planning Board seems to approve everything—with or without consensus—that a developer posits before them.

Most recently, the revenue-hungry Board rubber stamped “a Target-anchored shopping center at Alameda Landing.”

This reflexive decision “marks the final administrative approval the project needs before construction can start.”

Great; now we can finally move closer to becoming a clone of nearly every unimaginative, sell-out city in California.

Sean Whiskeman of Catellus proclaims that "The goal is to make this a very special place…”

He states that his company has “been working on this for many years," as if the project were a labor of love as unique as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Naturally this highly creative venture will include more plaque to clog up the arteries of Alameda “with the developer gaining approvals” to shoehorn 275 addition homes onto the island.

The incongruous pitch for this strip mall is that it is somehow “unique” and will make Alameda “unique.”

Paradoxically, this influx of chain stores as Valerie Villaraza-Steele swoons, “showcases our city as a unique place to visit and live."

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t just the opposite true?

Anachronistically, I thought that places like Cooper’s 1400, the Wescafe, Jolie’s,  the Pasta Pelican, Ole’s Waffle Shop, were “unique,” now I am cast into the big doubt.

Why does the Planning Board invariably definite “progress” as anything that moves Alameda closer to vapid, non-descript mediocrity, more crowding, less open space, more congestion and ignoring the will of We the People?

To quote local papers, “Hundreds of people have signed a petition opposing the plan, saying they want something more attractive at one of Alameda's primary gateways.”

Too late!

The only remaining debate is not about “yeah” or “nay” on the strip mall plan—that jewel set in stone; the remaining palavering reverberates about distracting minutiae like: “How late should the In-n-Out be allowed to serve a burger?” or “What time should Safeway stop pumping gas?” or “Is it morally right for a gas station sell beer?”

Such petty public prattle is designed to give citizens a disarming sense that their voices are important to local bureaucrats.

How exactly does denuding Alameda of its charm and identity represent “progress?”

Check out the franchises making an amphibious assault on the island.

Safeway: it has 251 “unique” stores in Northern California alone; two of which are already in Alameda.

The Sleep Train: its website proudly proclaims it has “more than 100 California locations.”

Michaels Craft Store: there are three “unique” Michaels stores here in the Bay Area.

Target: has thousands of its “unique” stores scattered in 47 states.

Then too the project will include some truly “unique” hasheries: Formica palaces and deep-freezer to deep-fryer bistros, where the chef’s major responsibility is setting the timers on readymade, cryogenically preserved, single servings popped into hot grease or microwave ovens.

The much anticipated Panda Express has 1551 “unique” outlets in the US.

There are 70 Habit Burger Grills scattered in the American Southwest, eight of these “unique” franchises are in the Bay Area.

In 2012 alone, the planned Corner Bakery Café signed 125 “unique” new franchise releases.

Descriptions of the proposed strip mall are larded with such disarming euphemisms as “earnest,” “palette of building materials,” “visually appealing Main Street feel,” “a nice soft glow,” and “tables nestled under Mexican fan palms.”

When do we get to the part about the log jams and cacophony of horns in the tunnels and on the bridges?

Speaking of soft sells, Alameda has been assured that "The shopping center … will be professionally managed;” gosh, we were thinking that volunteers or the Rolling Stones-Altamont Speedway Security Group would be in charge.

To allay fears expressed by Bayport residents who predict that “the new stores could bring more crime into their neighborhood” they have been assured that they are not being uniquely looted: “the Alameda Police Department said evening break-ins had increased citywide;” so relax Bayporters, you are not alone and you can always bury family valuables in your backyards.

In the future, when you are gridlocked in the tunnel, take your hand off the horn and pause to remind yourself: "This is our community's opportunity to create a gateway to Alameda that is attractive to potential residents, investors and visitors.”

Jeffrey R Smith

Alameda Native Since 1990