A Hard Core Consultation

So usually, pro sports outcomes don’t get to me all that much…if I don’t include the latest Super Bowl and Game 6 of this year’s Western Conference Semi-Final, featuring the Houston Rockets and my own Los Angeles Clippers.

And I did come up a few billion bucks short of ownership last year but I successfully adopted the Clips when they rolled/skulked into town way back in 1984. To say the Clippers have been unsuccessful for most of their thirty-one years in L.A. might actually qualify, in the words of a certain Harvard MBA degree-holder, as the over-understatement of the year. But who cares? When the alternative LA squad gives the color purple a bad name and, after decades of trying, finally holds a few wins over my NBA first love Boston Celtics, it’s easy being a hard core Clipper fan.

So when the Clippers were up 19-points late in the third quarter of close-out Game 6, my hard core team and I started living into the future. It was like my bonus check was only 14-minutes away and I’d already started spending the money. And then the check bounced (or more accurately…clanged.)

“Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright, the band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light; and somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout. But there is no joy at 9929 E. Las Tunas Dr.: the hard core Clippers have just struck out.”

The day after was literally the day the music (or in this case,Muzak) died. Within a week, I was walking around wearing a tutu and a powder puff blue bruin t-shirt (not to mention the rash from my contact dermatitis.) My golf swing disintegrated almost overnight; for a while there, I almost forgot the words to “Friends in low Places.” Two weeks later, Letterman quit.

Obviously, I was overdue for another virtual Dalai Lama house call. The depression was getting worse; during my darkest hours I even contemplated listening to Rush Limbaugh. I’d hit rock bottom. His Holiness agreed to grant me an audience if we could go vegetarian across the street at El Pollo Loco.

“His Holiness, thank you for your timely visit; I’ve become so despondent that I almost listened to Limbaugh.”

“Dr. V, I love visiting your peaceful little hamlet, I sense a restful harmony that exists when there is absolutely no retail. And c’mon, for the last father-freakin’ time, you can call me HH.”

“HH, just when my relentless heroes, the hard core Clippers, had attained an ultimate state of joyful harmony with the Universe, running and skipping around in baggy shorts and bouncing a ball in front of 19,607 enrapt witnesses, they started behaving and moving like Limbaugh. I watched it all happen; it wasn’t pretty. I’m in need of guidance.”

“JVB, are you not still the foremost dentist/scribe/elite athlete in the San Gabriel valley?”

“HH, that’s for others to say…but for the purpose of our conversation, yes, of course.”

“And JVB, did your hard core ones exhibit such confidence?”

“HH, two weeks ago, the hard core Clippers were nearing the end of an exhausting journey even though their numbers were declining. The journey began long ago in a barren northeastern wasteland called Buffalo. One first step led to many; the Hard Cores traveled thousands of miles, almost straight into Tijuana. They then moved north under the leadership of a madman, very similar to Limbaugh. The Hard Cores were mocked for many years; they shared a house with a USC Chemistry professor and, of course, could not keep up. Strangely, they now pay rent but “own” the house. A week ago, their dream of total hardcore harmony was within reach…but then.”

“JVB, when we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways - either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength. Thanks to the teachings of Buddha, I have been able to take this second way.”

“HH, I think I get it. I must not lose hope and listen to Limbaugh. I must remain hard core.”

“JVB, once again you remind me of a youthful Einstein.”

“ And remember JVB, a calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence, so that’s very important for good health; and…that’s why you should never ever again wear the blue of powder puff or listen to the ranting of Limbaugh. I don’t even care if the Hard Cores lose to their now pathetically incompetent purple roommates, listening to Limbaugh is just plain bad for your health.

Now get me back LAX!”

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