Blog: Speak or Hold Your Peace

I'm a big one for talking. I don't like to keep things inside. Just ask my family. I'm sure I  drive them crazy, always wanting to talk about things, tell them how I  feel, figure things out.

It's just who I am. I don't really know any other way to process life, besides writing, which is a form of talking too, just quieter. I've been told I'm an "external processor." Sounds about right.

I do process in my head, but usually things just get confused in there so I have  to get it out somehow to make better sense of it.

Some people don't like to talk about stuff. They keep it all inside. They figure it out on their own, or maybe they just don't worry about things too much. For whatever reason, they don't share. But feelings have a way of coming out eventually, and when you stuff them, they usually come out in not-so-good ways. They might come out all at once in some giant gesture or verbal storm. Or worse.

I definitely think, overall, it is better to express our feelings than to hold them in. However, expressing feelings can get us into trouble if we aren't careful. There are good ways to do it and bad ways to do  it, and unless you are a professional communicator, you've probably made a few mistakes with the whole communication thing. I know I have. And  I've been the victim of some not-so-good communication as well.

It's something we have to just learn as we go along, I guess. With each person we interact with and with each of our relationships, we learn and grow and, hopefully, develop better communication skills. We learn when to listen and when to speak. We learn when it's important to express ourselves and when it might be better to hold our tongue.

OK, that's totally in an ideal world, I realize! There is crazy, awful, messy communication going on all over the place, all the time. You only have to watch a minute of reality TV to witness that. It seems the general rule of thumb is just say whatever you feel like saying at anytime, to anyone, and damn the consequences!

It's OK if you hurt someone's feelings, break someone's heart, or mess with their psyche. As long as you get to vent and get it all off your chest, that's all that  matters. At least YOU feel better.

Emotions are tricky things. They can take over and make you say and do  things you might not otherwise say or do when you are calm. When you are upset  it is NOT easy to think before you speak. I know first hand how this works!

To share your feelings or not, should be a decision not a reaction. It takes some of us a long time to learn this. Think about the consequences of what you are about to say. 

What is the goal? Is it to improve your relationship or circumstances?  Or is it simply to vent? Venting is OK -- sometimes  we really need to do that.

But if venting comes with a cost that you aren't  prepared to accept, you might want to rethink things. Is it worth it to share? Maybe this is something you should process on your own. Think about it, write about it, pray about it, talk about it with a  friend. You might even realize it's YOUR issue and not something the other person needs to hear about at all.

We all know our words are powerful. Say what you need to say -- but with respect, kindness and purpose.

To see more essays like this, come visit me at Thinking in My Head.