Don't get mad; tear 'em a new card

Life is full of irritants.

There's the lawn mower next door that wakes you. Or the one building without a street address that happens to be the one you're looking for. Or the smoke detector with the annoying chirp that finds the worst possible time to tell you to change the battery.

I can go on and on. Yes, I think I will. How about the waiter who takes a half hour to bring your food and then leaves the bill after three bites? Or the companies with a zillion recorded phone options, none of which are what you want? Or the uncanny way traffic moves in every lane except yours?

If only we could give those jerks a piece of our mind AND not get pummeled afterward.

Now we can. But there's a catch. Two catches, actually. The first is that this product only works on one specific irritant--numbskulls who use two spaces when they park or park badly in some other way. Not a big deal? When was the last time you lurched down a Costco parking lot aisle on a weekend?

The second catch is that it will cost you $7.95. Of course, that's the list price, which no one pays. I saw it on amazon.com for as little as $2.99. That's a lot less than amazon's price for  medicine for the ulcer this may keep you from getting.

The product is a book of tear-out cards titled Parking Tickets for Those Who Crossed the Line. Each card is five inches long and 2.75 inches high and each offers a different level of venting. For example:

"Your car isn't nice enough to park in two spots"

"Did you park this or land this?"

"Hope you're better between the sheets than between the lines."

"Aliens searching for intelligent life would see your parking job and leave."

There are 20 cards in all, ranging from nearly polite to outright hostile. They are the perfect size to be placed under a windshield wiper--big enough to be noticed but not too big to obstruct the view.

The tear-out card book is the brainchild of Ulysses Press in Berkeley. And Ulysses didn't stop with parking pests.

Recognizing the full potential of tear-out cards, Ulysses has three other books: You're Cute--Cards to Break the Ice, Seriously? and Sorry I Had Sex on Your Bed. With regard to the latter, I think we can all agree that if you need that book, life is going pretty well.

For singles, or people pretending to be single, I heartily recommend You're Cute. Anyone who's ever tried to be clever only to mumble "How ya doin'?" may want to photocopy these pages. (Note: That's probably illegal so forget I suggested it.)

Many of these cards have blanks to fill in, which makes it less like handing out a business card and more like a moment from When Harry Met Sally. One says "You Had Me At ________." Another says "Redeem this card for __________." Another says "This is me flirting with you."

If it works, think of the great story you have when, years from now, someone asks how the two of you met. It will be so much nicer than saying, "craigslist."

The Seriously? book, though potentially worthwhile, is probably only a step in the right direction. For example, one card says, "Maybe tomorrow I could pet  your elephants? Your downstairs neighbor."  Anyone rehearsing a football halftime show on your ceiling may find that card far too subtle.

Another card is for the slob in your office or apartment. It says, "Maybe this is how they discovered penicillin." The challenge here will be to finding a spot where it will be seen.

At least some of these cards hold great power. If you buy them, use them wisely.