Community Corner
Cash Wedding Gifts Are Having A Moment, And Not Everyone Is Toasting [The Question]
Survey respondents are split over cash registries, honeymoon funds and destination wedding costs as couples embrace modern gift etiquette.
Emily Post, whose rules of etiquette have guided wedding planning for more than a century, could hardly have imagined a time when couples would ask guests to help pay for a honeymoon or a new home.
The days of engraved invitations layered with protective parchment, tucked inside one envelope and accompanied by a stamped RSVP card in another, are largely gone. Though some couples still bow to tradition, many now use wedding platforms that cut costs and put everything from RSVPs to gift registries in one place.
Increasingly, those registries include an option to give cash.
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We asked readers what they think about that for The Question, an exclusive Patch column on etiquette, everyday ethics and what to do when the rules aren’t quite as clear as everyone pretends they are.
This Isn’t Anything New
Many readers were on board with modern wedding etiquette, saying it makes sense to give money, especially as many couples have lived together or have been living on their own.
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“I’ve been married for 40 years, and the only difference is that couples are ‘asking’ for cash. When I got married, it was ‘implied’ you’d receive cash. We didn’t have to say anything,” said TB9, a Nashua (New Hampshire) Patch reader who “received more cash than wedding gifts” four decades ago.
The etiquette hasn’t changed, the reader said, noting, “It’s still ‘you give the cost of the dinner.’”
“If it’s within the normal range between $100-$150 for a wedding gift, then I say give it,” the reader continued. “It saves you time and aggravation trying to pick out a gift.”
Prompting guests to give them money is not only rude, it’s unnecessary, said Manhattan Beach (California) Patch reader Maggie.
“Everyone already knows that everyone is fine with — and will like — cash. There is no reason to say so,” Maggie said.
“If there are some things that you need or want to set up house, put them on your registry and let it get around by word of mouth or maybe on your wedding website,” she continued. “If you truly don’t need anything, don’t make a registry at all. People who want to give you something will find a gift for you or write you a check. Nobody should be trying to pressure anyone into giving a particular gift — and certainly not in a particular amount.”
‘If I Had It To Do Over ...’
“I would rather give them money than buy them something they don’t want,” said Nonna, a Middletown (New Jersey) Patch reader. “I’m for giving money. Couples starting out need all the help they can get.”
“I think it’s fine and can be super beneficial if they’re trying to buy their first home together and are not trust fund babies or otherwise independently wealthy,” said Carole, a Roseville (California) Patch reader. “If I had it to do over, I would skip the gift registry and just request money to help with our first-time home purchase or honeymoon.”
‘At First, It Seemed Crass’
Reputable wedding platforms such as The Knot, Zola and Honeyfund don’t require or suggest a minimum donation from guests, but they do allow couples to set customized suggested price anchors, such as $50 or $100. Guests are free to give whatever they choose, or nothing at all.
It took Mary, a Granby-East Granby (Connecticut) Patch reader, some time to accept the new etiquette of wedding gifts.
“At first this seemed crass to me, but it is actually quite practical now that people are marrying later and have had their own homes and apartments for several years and really don’t need the usual gifts,” Mary said.
If a couple is saving money for a big event, it’s OK to ask for cash instead of household items, according to Shirley, a Mendota Heights (Minnesota) Patch reader.
“I think asking for cash is reasonable, especially when many couples are already living together and have a household full of what they need,” she said. “The next step is often a child or home ownership. They can put the money toward what they need.”
“Money is a gift, in whatever amount you decide, given who is getting married, your financial situation and other money you put out for the wedding,” said Mimi, who reads Danvers Patch, Peabody Patch, Beverly Patch and Middleton Patch AM, all in Massachusetts.
“I think this is OK given most couples co-habit now or have lived in apartments and collected many things,” Mimi said. “But a minimum amount should never be suggested, as, in my opinion, that is crass.”
If giving less than a minimum amount “ruins a good friendship, someone’s priorities are in the wrong place, and the relationship isn’t worth pursuing,” Mimi said. “It seems people expect their entire house furnished or their honeymoon covered.”
“I have mixed feelings about this,” said Long Valley (New Jersey) Patch reader Suzanne. “It’s practical, I suppose, but too tacky for me.”
For some readers, a suggestion for cash means they’ll RSVP their regrets.
“I don’t like the idea of cash,” said Verona-Cedar Grove (New Jersey) Patch reader Lisa. “I make an excuse not to attend.”
Don’t Do The Money Dance
Some readers said they feel cheated out of the experience of thoughtfully choosing a gift that will be a reminder of their relationship in years to come. But they’ve accepted times have changed.
“It does diminish some of the joy of giving them a great spoon they’ll have forever,” said Fairfield (Connecticut) Patch reader Bulldog.
“I love giving the couple something they want and will use. My husband and I still use gifts from our wedding and think of the people who gave them to us,” said Susan, a Pleasanton (California) Patch reader.
“I prefer to give a memorable gift that they have registered for, but if no registry, then money is the only option. I don’t want to give them something they do not want,” she said. “It is fine so long as they don’t then do a money dance or have a box for money on the cake table.”
“A gift is something that you give from the heart because you care about the people that you’re giving it to. You give what you can afford and what you choose to get them,” said Chris, a North Branford (Connecticut) Patch reader.
‘Asking For Cash Is Avaricious’
When Emily Post’s etiquette guided plans, weddings were formal, tradition-bound affairs governed by elaborate social rules. Some readers clung to those standards.
Whether the couple asks people to give them money instead of things isn’t the point, said ACE, a California Patch reader who lives in San Jose.
“While I understand the practicality of the request, asking for a gift is never proper etiquette. By definition, a gift is voluntary,” ACE said. “While it may be customary, it is never a requirement. To hint at a preference for a cash gift is slightly in poor taste; to ask for a cash gift is avaricious.”
If prompted to gift cash, ACE will do as ACE pleases.
“I would send a personal (snail-mail) note or card and the same gift I was planning all along.”
Marie, a Norwalk (Connecticut) Patch reader, also will exercise her prerogative and stick with tradition.
“That may be the ‘practice’; however, it’s taxing to your guests in addition to it being inappropriate to ask for cash to pay for a house,” Marie said.
“When cash is donated to a charity in memoriam to a loved one, it is the one exception,” Marie said. "Otherwise, have a regular registry. If all items requested were bought for the couple, then the guest can give an appropriate cash gift that is appropriate for the guest, not the couple getting married.”
‘Asked To Pay For Crazy Things’
Darien (Connecticut) Patch reader Desiree said the cash outlay expected of her has become “absolutely horrendous.”
“I've been asked to pay for crazy things such as honeymoon couples massages, Lego sets, tickets to Broadway shows, a down payment on a house, plane tickets, Star Wars couples costumes, tickets to Disney parks, light-up swords, Dungeons & Dragons card sets, and other nonsensical gifts.”
She added, “The purpose of a wedding gift is to help a new couple set up their home, period.”
“It’s rude to ask for any gift,” agreed Chicago Patch reader Friendly Neighbor, who said requests for money can put cash-strapped guests who want to celebrate the marriage in an awkward position.
“I don’t have much money,” Friendly Neighbor said.
Wheaton (Maryland) Patch reader Sandy said asking for money is “tacky,” but said that’s a choice many wedding guests will make on their own without the prompt. However, Sandy would buy a gift, “preferably from a gift registry, but a gift nonetheless.”
Some readers said weddings have become one long gift grab, and asking for cash just adds to the financial strain on guests.
“I think it’s obnoxious because they usually have a shower and engagement party for gifts; however, I would still give money for a wedding,” said Flushing-Murray Hill (New York) Patch reader Stella, who added, “I RSVP ‘no’ to any invitation that includes airfare or hotel and send a monetary gift instead; the amount changes from low to high depending on the relationship.”
‘The Epitome Of Tacky’
Santa Barbara (California) Patch reader Maryellen and others said couples who plan expensive destination weddings are asking too much of their guests if they expect a gift, too.
“Times have changed, and entitlement has become commonplace. They can’t expect to have their friends and relatives buy expensive gifts when they’ve paid a small fortune for a flight to a destination wedding, hotel rates and possibly some appropriate clothing for the climate,” Maryellen said.
Patch reader Roberto looks at it this way: “Their gift is me incurring ridiculous costs so they can post on Facebook.”
“Don’t get me going on this,” said RB, a San Francisco Patch reader who was soured by a couple of destination wedding experiences.
RB didn’t just get going. RB purged.
Wedding guests are expected to spend thousands of dollars on flights, hotel rooms and meals, and a gift. To cut costs, some couples keep the guest list small and exclude guests’ spouses or significant others.
“I have been invited to two weddings in the past couple of years where my spouse did not know the bride and groom. They specifically invited only me,” RB said. “In both instances, they were destination weddings (one in Mexico, where the family was wealthy and easily spent $250,000 on a multiday affair, and the other in New York City the week of Thanksgiving). This meant excluding my spouse from an expensive, multiday affair or not attending the wedding.”
RB said both weddings were “the epitome of tacky!”
About The Question
The Question is an exclusive Patch column on etiquette, everyday ethics and what to do when the rules aren’t quite as clear as everyone pretends they are — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you’d like us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “The Question” as the subject line.
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