Father's Day - Loss and having a 'Listening Heart'

I recently read a devotional on June 12, 2012 by Mary Sutherland, "Do Wrinkles Make You Die?” which I received from Girlfriends in God on Crosswalk.com. And it brought me to tears.

I do need to work more on my listening, but also on having a 'listening heart' not sure if that makes sense but, perhaps this will explain. Since Super Bowl Sunday, it has been a very difficult time for my husband. His mother passed due to complication with Alzheimer’s, and he received the news on that very same day, Super Bowl Sunday. He knew the time was coming, and I encouraged him to go home (to Canada) to visit, but he was so busy with work he did not until it was much too late.

Months prior that, I invited him to visit my counselor (a family and marriage therapist) and during the meeting, in her presence I told him that I wanted a divorce. After which I went on to get a mediator we could both work with to make it easy and amicable for the both of us and we’ve moved on with it. Our divorce will become final at the end of this coming September. In between... there have been many moments of long silence, ups & downs, small talk, a bit of arguing.

And yet, we are managing and getting along. Showing our two teenaged boys it is possible to be respectful, and caring, and kind towards one another and still remain friends, parenting partners, despite the divorce, despite the fact that the love is gone from between us.

However, this past Saturday, June 9th, his dog had a stroke, several seizures and we had to put her to sleep. He sat at the dining room table and said: “This is the year of endings for me. My mom, Goldie (his German Shepherd), and my marriage."

I felt so broken, and guilty, and sad for him. And I did not know what to say. So I just sat there quietly trying to listen to the pain he would not reveal with words (and now I am crying too) because I know he is suffering from so many losses at once. I want to be supportive, but he won't speak to me, and if I try to ask questions, he just waves his hand and says, "I'm OK, I'm OK." And he keeps himself busy with work.

So with my heart I try to listen to what he is not telling me. I pray, and I wait, and I watch, to make sure he is ok. It is very painful, but sometimes, we just need to stand still and be quiet and let our hearts do the listening, and to let God be the voice that guides us through our prayer, so that we can get an 'in' on what is the other persons heart and mind, and hopefully understand their sorrow and pain to help them with it. Then, I also need to be strong enough to just let them be, while I stand aside, but still close enough to care for him, hold them. So, I am trying, but it has not been easy. My heart feels like a balloon, and I am constantly crying, but I am strong in front of him. I try my best to not let him see me cry. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing but I am just trying to be still, quiet, not to dig, not to pry, not to speak, not to be intrusive while at the same time letting him know I will always be there for him, as his friend, the Mother of our children. All the while, I just hide my own sorrow and pain, cry alone, and wipe down my own tears. And I feel so burdened. But I want to believe that I am opening my heart with compassion towards him, so that at the end, we can both come out ok. Strong. And still friends. 

As of last night, June 15, 2012, and just before midnight, my husbands ‘Pop’ has also passed away due to liver cancer which spread allover the body and was incurable or untreatable. Glen, my Father-in-Law, was Rod’s adoptive dad and the one what was there since approximately age 8, when his real Dad was not. It has been an incredibly difficult year for Rod. And with it, through it all he now realizes you never know, you just never know.

Now with Fathers Day being tomorrow, he no longer has him to call and say: “Happy Father’s day, Pop!” He has lost the most important person who shaped his life. His biological father although is still alive, and residing in Arizona, however they are not as close. And, yet, for as long as I have known Rod, I’ve encouraged him to: ‘let’s go visit your Dad in AZ’ but we’ve never done so. His Dad, has had several bout’s of heart problems and it would be of no surprise to me, if he soon would fall ill and began his exit form this world as well.

Rod, told me yesterday during the day, before the final new of his ‘Pop’ passing that I should go visit my dad and Mom, because he knows my parents live in Puerto Rico and it is far and expensive. He said I need to go and tell them all the things I want to say now, before it’s too late, because as I stated before, YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. 

So, don’t wait until it’s too late to tell your parents, and those you care about what you feel for them, how they make you feel. Let them know how much you miss them and how often they are in your mind each day, that you need them now in [your] life. They will understand how much more amplified that would be if they were gone. Talk to every member of your family, even the ones you’ve had squabbles with or you might end up realizing how late it is, because we all know: “Time Waits for No One”, then you might find yourself filled with guilt and remorse and anger instead because you never said or showed them what you should have.

Listen to those you love and care about with your heart, then speak yours to them.