Parental Leaves – How Much is Right?

Last week I posted a blog where I explained my rationale for supporting shorter parental leaves than some groups are now advocating. (https://patch.com/california/redwoodcity-woodside/thinking-you-can-be-present-breastfeeding-mother-politician) I was accused by self-described feminists or pro-long term leave advocates of being anti-feminist and anti-woman. I had been warned that publishing that piece would bring the “trolls” out. I want to believe they just haven’t thought the issue through properly.

My father, a PhD, believed that his daughters and his son were inherently capable of exactly the same things and brought us up that way. We traveled a lot. Moved on average every three years. This meant that local influences and peers didn’t count for much. By the time, I trusted them enough we were just about ready to move on. I didn’t even hear much less know or believe that boys and girls weren’t intellectually equal in every possible way for years. Although by now I have heard those theories; I certainly don’t believe them, my father inoculated me against them. However, my father believed in science and logic and also passed that on to me.

I do not just believe that a pregnant and lactating women isn’t up to her full 100%, having been pregnant twice, I know it. We all have our ups and downs. I also know that some women feel that they are at their best when they are pregnant. Lucky for them but they are in the minority. More importantly however all of us women, men and children have good stages and bad stages. Did you break your leg? Have to wear a cast for three months? Do you have a disability? Did you go have an episode of PTSD or other mental breakdown? When my marriage was breaking down, I sure did. Sometimes we get accommodations, sometimes we just have to power through the less than optimal period.

Some life changing events can be planned. Some cannot. Want to get married? You can plan. Getting divorced? That is a little harder, nobody plans for that. Want to have a child? Most women today can and do plan when they will have their children. Reproductive choices are so broad today that some women can even choose to have someone else carry their child so as to not impact their careers and lifestyles. (https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/having-a-child-doesnt-fit-womens-schedule-the-future-of-surrogacy)

You want or can afford to stay home with your child. Stay home. You want, can or need to work as I did. Work. However, don’t abuse the system. If you volunteer and even if you work do not expect an extended protected leave for a choice you made. Resign and reapply or for elected officials run again, when you are ready to serve. As women in the United States, notwithstanding our current president, these are some of the best of times.

In Silicon Valley we pride ourselves on supporting STEM education which stands for science, technology, engineering and math which are all based on logic.

Factoring only the mother's needs, logic says that given the three options below you believe either A or B are true because C is simply not an option based on a mother’s needs:

A. You believe pregnant and lactating women CANNOT do everything that they can do when they aren’t pregnant or lactating. Therefore, you believe they should get some period of guaranteed leave.

or

B. You believe pregnant and lactating women CAN do everything they can do when they aren’t pregnant or lactating. Therefore, they should NOT get any guaranteed leave.

or

C. You believe pregnant and lactating women can do everything they can do when they aren’t pregnant or lactating. However, due to some other factor, you believe they should get an accommodation like guaranteed leave.

In option C, instead of “Leaning In” a la Sheryl Sandberg you want women to LEAN OUT even though they are capable of “Leaning In.” So clearly it isn’t based on the needs of the mother. Maybe you think that factoring in the needs of the baby changes the equation, I still disagree. Most of the arguments supporting an extended parental leave like six months are based on World Health Organization guidelines that call for babies to be breastfed exclusively for the first six months of life. If breastfeeding is the rationale and by that you mean latching onto a mother's breast that clearly does not include men. If what that means is that babies should only ingest breast milk, then a mother can express milk and anyone be it the father or a third party can give the baby that milk from a bottle. (Which by the way is what I did with my two children.) Clearly that does not require a mother to get six months or more off.

Or your explanation for favoring Option C presumes that a father or mother has innately better abilities than a third party to deliver childcare. I do agree that a baby should have top notch care that includes a lot of undivided attention, care and support but I do not agree that the mother or father are ALWAYS or even generally the best person to provide that attention. Experienced babysitters not to mention small group creches like they have in other countries like for example France are just as capable if not more so. When my children were babies, I was extremely lucky I worked 30-40 hours per week. I had both enough time out of the house focusing on other things and time with them. I do not begrudge women who are stay at home mothers. Truth be told, probably due to societal pressure, I sort of envy them but I am not one of them. I do not have the patience necessary to provide 24x7 babycare or childcare. We need to stop making women, and even men these days, feel they are defective when a lot of them realize that they do not have the patience or desire to be 24x7 caretakers. To paraphrase Jill Churchill: there is no way to be a perfect parent... but a million ways to be a good one.

I do believe that working women and volunteers who work or volunteer --I am thinking here of Giselle Hale and Julie Lind Rupp among others -- do not have the right to REQUIRE that their positions be held for them for extended periods. (Note that there are other solutions including staggered hours, reduced hours or daily task accommodations that may be just if not more appropriate and helpful for full-time working parents.) Staying home to care for babies and children is a choice that has consequences not only for the family but also for society. Even though I only took a couple of days, I am supportive of a plan that offers six weeks of parental leave like Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern of New Zealand took. Three months? OK. Six months? No. At that point why not make it five years, usually the age they enter kindergarten? Or even eighteen years when they graduate high school? Unless your organization has some kind of longer-term sabbatical leave system in place; a parent who wants an extended home stay be it mother or father should resign, and let someone else take over. When the parent is ready, he or she can go back, reapply or run again.