THERAPIST THURSDAY: Goals Part 1

Rather your goal was to get improve your physical health, work on your relationships, improve your finances, or anything else, the process of setting and accomplishing goals requires virtually the same formula for it all! As we are now almost four weeks into the new year, I encourage you to ask yourself, how are you doing with your resolution? Are you sticking with it, or have you given up? Are you as committed as you were, or are some of those bad habits starting to rear their ugly head?

In honor of this new year and because I think setting goals and changing things that do not work is important in life, I thought I would do a series on setting and accomplishing goals. In fact, the motto of my therapy practice is “design your life”, because I think it is so easy to get busy with the day to day responsibilities of life and then suddenly realize you are somewhere you don’t want to be in life, rather that be with health, finances, career, or relationships. I think a more mindful approach to what we want out of life is imperative to not find ourselves in this situation. Or if you are indeed in this situation currently, applying conscious thought to is it necessary for change. Setting and accomplishing goals is a critical piece in obtaining this mindfulness and creating a life for yourself that you find satisfying and fulfilling.

I think the first step in accomplishing goals is in the goal setting itself, by setting goals that are realistic. If you goal is way out of reach, or is the gap between current effort and that required to accomplish the goal is the size of the Grand Canyon, it is not likely that you will remain as committed in the long term as you may be when the goal is initially set. So, I encourage you to start a little smaller. Look at where you want to go eventually and then set a goal that is a step along the way, but that feels more achievable. Once that goal is reached, you can always set another goal. If you continue to do this, you are very likely to end up accomplishing that huge goal that initially felt way too big. For example, if you goal is to save more money and you are a big spender, maybe start with the goal of cutting out certain things you normally spend frivolously on. Decide you will set a budget for your wardrobe if that is what drains your bank account. And then stick with that budget for a month or so. Once you have mastered this, maybe add another item that is a money drain and eliminate or reduce that from your spending.

After the goal has been set, you need a plan. This plan needs to be specific. It needs to map out exactly how you will get from where you currently are to where you intend to go. When doing this, be sure that the plan you develop will indeed get you where it is you want to go. Be sure you are headed in the right direction. Once you have done this, set daily steps (or maybe even hourly steps, depending on the goal and how much change it requires from you). One of the major things that causes a lack of success in goal achieving is feeling overwhelmed. So, after you have the plan in place, stop focusing on the long-term goal. Instead, just ask yourself what part of the plan needs to be followed TODAY or RIGHT NOW. So, if the goal is weight loss and you have the plan to get there all mapped out, but the amount of weight you need to lose feels overwhelming or the diet you’ve created feels impossible to follow, then just focus on what this means for this moment in time. Then ask yourself if you are capable of that one step. “Ok, so what I need to focus on right now is just eating this for breakfast. Can I do that? Yes! That is do-able.” Once you do this over and over, you will be surprised as you look backwards at what you have really accomplished. Because it really is those little steps that eventually get you where you want to go.

Make sure your plan has some kind of accountability or transparency to do. The research is very clear that when people intend to make a change in their lives, they are much more likely to achieve this change if there is accountability. So, tell the people you know you intend to lose weight, or you will no longer be spending money on going out to eat, or you plan on yelling less at those you love. Ask people you trust to call you out if they see you straying away from this plan. And utilize technology to help you as well. There are so many apps for change and accountability these days! There are exercise apps, food apps, finance apps, the list goes on and on. Social media and other online options help too! Join groups online of other people with the same goals as you. Reach out to them where you are struggling. Read other people’s struggles and support them. If you feel like you are not alone on this journey, you are much more likely to accomplish your goals.

And if you mess up (as you may very well do), DO NOT beat yourself up for it! We all slip sometimes. What you tell yourself when you do greatly impacts if you will have long term success or not. You can no longer control if you ate that donut this morning or bought that adorable purse that was on sale (well maybe you can return the purse) or if you yelled at your kid, but you can control what you choose to do NEXT. If your thoughts are, “I can’t believe I did that, now I’ve failed. This is impossible. I’ll never change.” Indeed, you never will change because you don’t believe you can. So, if and when you make a mistake, watch for that negative self talk and change it. Tell yourself you can get right back to it. Remind yourself that the past is now out of your control, but you can decide to do the NOW differently. And then do that. Make the right decision in the present. Most of the time, a slip up or two isn’t going to derail an entire plan, unless you let it by your self-talk. So, change it and get back to the steps and you’ll be just fine!

The next article in this series will be published next Thursday. In the meantime, get to those goals! If you’ve already “blown it”, don’t let that stop you. Get right back to it! If it’s been a week (or maybe more) since you’ve been working on it, that’s OK, you can regroup and get back on track; after all, it’s only January. We’ve all got a whole year ahead of us. And we can all make it a year of improvement and changing what isn’t working; of improving mental, physical, and emotional health; of increasing happiness and life satisfaction. I hope you decide to “design your life!”

Rochelle Whitson is a psychotherapist practicing in Temecula, CA. She can be reached at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

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