THERAPIST THURSDAY: Goals Part 2

Last week I started a series on setting and accomplishing goals. Today is the second part of that series and will cover how to get back on track if you slip up. I provided some brief information on that last week, but will go in more depth into the subject in this article.

We’ve all been there. We set a goal, something we’ve been wanting to accomplish for a long time. We are super motivated initially, doing all of the right things and really making progress. And then, as real-life sets in and we get back to our usual routine, we find that the excitement starts to wear off, and with that, some of the motivation. Then we find ourselves messing up. We start making decisions that are contrary to our goals. When this happens, many people simply give up. But we don’t need to! I’m here to tell you that you can get right back on track and you can indeed accomplish your goal. The slip up does not have to be the end of it!

One of the biggest things that sabotages progress once a person slips up is that they start to catastrophize the mistake. They get into an all-or-nothing mentality that makes them feel helpless to get back on track. But the truth is, a slip up is just that, it is one mistake. I don’t know of one goal that can not be accomplished if there is not one hundred percent compliance. In fact, most successful people have had many slip ups along the way. Accomplishing a goal is really not about being perfect, it’s about what you tell yourself when you make a mistake.

So, when you eat that cookie when you’re trying to get in shape or you spend money on something frivolous when you’re supposed to be saving, the most important thing that will determine your long-term success is what you TELL YOURSELF about that cookie or that spending spree next. If your thoughts are that now you are a loser, that you are never going to accomplish your goal, or that you can’t do it, then you will stop trying. But if you recognize those thoughts (we all have them when we are disappointed in ourselves) and you change it to something like, “well I can try again tomorrow” or “I’m getting back to it right now” then you can continue and your likelihood of success just greatly increased.

The key here is really about focusing on what you can control. Once you have done something, it is in the past and no longer within your control. But you can control what you do NEXT. I’ll admit it, when I was younger, I was the dieter with all or nothing thinking. My bad choice of a dessert would quickly become a whole day of bad choices in eating, and was very likely to lead to quitting the entire goal all together. But then I started noticing how people who maintain their weight do it. They actually allow themselves dessert. Then the next meal they eat will be back to their regular healthy eating. There is no guilt or shame, there is acceptance that sometimes we may cheat, and then there is a return to healthy eating. And I started to ask myself, “why don’t I just start doing THAT?” It takes some work, but with practice, your ability to let go of what you can not control will increase and pretty soon a little slip up will be able to remain just that, a little slip up.

The next thing it is important to do is to look at the behavior and the thoughts BEFORE the slip up. It is very likely that you told yourself something that allowed you to do the behavior in the first place. I call these thoughts the “passes” we give ourselves. We may say, “I’m too tired to study for that test.” Or “I’m so hungry I’m just going to eat this.” Or “well I worked hard all week and deserve this new outfit.” Whatever it is that our goal is, the slip up is likely to come from the same place, from thoughts that give ourselves a pass. To combat this, I encourage you to write down these “pass” thoughts and put them somewhere where you can look at them several times a day. Write down next to each “pass” why that thought is unrealistic or what it will do to your progress or why it is that you really want to accomplish this goal. Make sure it is something easy and tangible. Then when one of these pass thoughts pops into your head, notice it and replace it with the combating thought. When you notice a thought that is a pass thought you hadn’t identified before, write it on your list and go through the same process above. Doing this over and over will greatly reduce your pass thoughts. You will also realize that it is the same thoughts that get you in trouble time and time again.

Next week we will cover how the mind gets in the way of achieving goals, what we can do about it, and accountability and transparency in more detail.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Temecula, CA. She is also author of the blog www.meetme4therapy.com.

Ms. Whitson can be reached at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.