THERAPIST THURSDAY: Take Charge of Your Own Happiness

What would happen if I followed you around and whispered criticisms in your ear? If my voice constantly told you that you are not good at anything? Or that you are not attractive? Or that everyone else is better than you? You would feel BAD, right? This is a no-brainer, a silly question. Why would I even ask such a thing? Because, whether we know it or not, many of us talk to ourselves in this way daily. Many of us compare ourselves to others or to some unrealistic standard that we could never possibly live up to. We make ourselves feel inferior or not capable or negative by the things we tell ourselves about ourselves. This kind of self talk can impact us in lots of different ways. Here are a few:

• When we feel not good enough, we will not live up to our potential. We can not be our best versions of ourselves when we do not believe we are capable.
• We will give up more easily. If we tell ourselves negative things, we will feel discouraged, which is likely to lead to quitting without reaching our goal.
• Talking to ourselves negatively can lead to depression. Hearing negative things constantly (even in our own head), often leads to decreased mood and energy.
• Anxiety can increase. When we are constantly telling ourselves we are not good enough, we can become anxious. We are setting ourselves up for failure because the standard becomes unrealistic; whatever we do achieve is not enough. This constant feeling of failure can lead to anxiety.

These are just a few examples of how negative self talk can impact us.
So, the question becomes, how do we change it? We need a methodical and self aware process of change. Here’s my suggestion: First, find a few positive or realistic statements to replace the negative ones with. Second, every time you tell yourself something negative, replace it immediately with something positive. Make sure this statement is something realistic, or you will have trouble believing it over time. Maybe say something like, “I am beautiful just the way I am.” “I am smart rather or not I do well on my presentation.” “I can complete this task and do it well.” Next, I strongly suggest writing down the negative thoughts each time you have them and also writing the replacement. This will help make you more aware of it and will also increase the speed at which you recognize the thoughts and replace them.
As you work on replacing your negative thoughts, it’s also very important not to beat yourself up with the negative thoughts as you become more aware of them. So if you find yourself saying things like, “there I go again being mean to myself, why can’t I change this?” or “I am such a mess that I keep doing this” then you are now being negative about being negative. So instead, focus on simply noticing your thoughts without judgement, and replacing them. Replace the judgmental thoughts with statements like, “oh there’s a negative thought, I’m going to change that” or “that thought is unrealistic, what’s a more realistic thought?” Noticing without judgement will make the change process much quicker. There is no need for judgement, we all have some negative thoughts and there’s always a reason why we developed them.
If you practice replacing your negative self talk daily, the new thoughts will eventually replace the old ones. Do not expect this to happen overnight, however. It is likely that you’ve been doing this a long time, so the change will not happen immediately. It’s like anything else we seek to change, it happens by practicing it over and over again. Being gentle on yourself, noticing, and then changing the thoughts will eventually lead to more realistic automatic thoughts. And if your negative thoughts have been causing decreased mood or difficulty being happy, you will begin to see an increase in your mood and happiness over time, and will learn to take charge of your own happiness!

How our thoughts impact us and how to change them is a very important subject that can create powerful change, so please watch for future articles regarding this and consider subscribing to my website www.meetme4therapy.com.

We would love to hear from YOU! If you have an article idea for our weekly column, Therapist Thursday, please email Rochelle Whitson at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.