10 Days Until Halloween: West Hollywood Is The Usual Nightmare

Even if there was an Elm Street, what kind of nightmare has round the clock emergency care? Where else is free admission offered to a senior suffering from ghoulish excess gluten, or exists marauding Heather-like gangs, determined to mess you up, as if a coed hazing in pre-costume garb, as they claim their Thirst is for kickball, when one guy in a fetching halter top, who looks more frail than any one of them at night, has to have his own back, and preen it too, in lieu of anyone else in view, who said to me, with some semblance of bravado, they're "Dodgeball," and while there's no apparent inconsistency of narratives, he seemed too eager to please, as if fending for strangers, who were not even in eyeshot, how would it be possible for him even to know who I had described as the best I could manage was "a gang of thirsty people?"

You don't need to be an honors student in Psycho 101 to know, the motel HAS vacancies, in fact, it lacks even one room without one. Even leaving the classics to enter the most original nightmare of 2017, a "Bedford Whites" style of thriller called "Get Out" was captive to the essential convention of every movie thriller ever made...that by definition, "Get Out," shouts out, as the charge of making a killing in L.A.:

"LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!"

It's as if West Hollywood is determined to be so iconic, it's an intentional buzzsaw kill joy of self-sabotage...every essential element of horror and risk is undermined in a warm and fuzzy rainbow-like village-like town. With my very own pre-fright night eyes, I witnessed a group of would be victims from virtually every terrorized teenager ever cast, who had just cleared out of a haunt, as in "feet don't fail me now-" we are "Outta Here!!!" How is Fright Night even plausible, when in just a few steps, via Rubies, doobies, scooters, flats AND Blahniks, each and every one of them was able to find safe passage...while I remained transfixed- motionless at the same tedious but well timed red light? Collectively, albeit as just a Halloween preview of what's to come, they didn't just survive, they were in a whole new town- lickety-split, so way before sundown, I hadn't even blinked, and hadn't missed seeing even one click of a pair of slippers.

To some it would seem as if WEHO is a Halloween Carnaval for weenies, were it not for the most frightened group in town, the most menaced of all, who routinely go unnoticed because they either look sternly impassive or have a physical stature most people never consider is made of real flesh, capable of crawling, and blood, that pumps but can curdle in seconds...should they suddenly see a half naked deputy headed straight for them or possibly not so straight...in a split second, bouncers must consider which half is naked, assess it by gender, then calculate the various types of gender, whether actual, transferred as a one-off or garden variety drag. Though way unlikely- bouncers can't even assume it isn't the real deal of officer- there is no 100% certainty of anything nor anyone, on Halloween nor any other night, when a half naked zig zagging person, in or out of uniform could be any one of us, now, or when we had attended college, by dorm or fraternity, and no bouncer is so without human foible, they may be seeing what once had been described as what they had looked like, just before they blacked out- if ever.

You try making the right call at the precise moment and see if you would be able to stifle a shriek you never thought possible. Even now- you likely don't comprehend the extent of potential horror, as Aaron Sorkin once said, via the acting chops of Jack Nicholson, perhaps, "You can't handle the truth." No Weho Sheriff nor Deputy is going to press a bouncer, even in the worst case scenario, they are not such ghouls to make them nor anyone else their fools- nor would it be likely any Weho resident or visitor would cause a problem any one of these bouncers couldn't handle...but make just one mistake about a queen you deny or even delay entrance, you'll be messing with your boss' profit margin, and no amount of bodyguard heft nor semblance of rope and stanchion authority would keep a bouncer safe, not at the price per square foot club owners pay for real estate. You really have no idea what a nightmare it is to be in charge.

Why not try being kinder to WEHO's bouncers and Sheriff Deputies...they are mostly so misunderstood- they're like chess players, in a king's castle, it's always the queen who rules the roost...try protecting her interests on a night of horrors when hundreds of imposters are wreaking havoc, pretending as if they don't know they're causing you Halloween horror and royally so.

Have you ever seen Jason or Michael Myers at the Motherlode or even taken a moment to wonder why not? Not all actors started out as waiters...that's just one more cliche and all I am entitled and/or allowed to say...whether that makes me a weenie or a wuss...isn't for me to say. Go ahead- you say it... by all means, make my day your worst nightmare...or not. Trick or Treat Weho Carnaval Style...For All Types of Sissies!