The Freelance Retort: Less Letters

Graphic By Vlado

The Freelance Retort by Brian Moloney

Do we really need two Ds in address?

I mean, isn’t that a waste of D’s time?

We’d still get it with just the one D.

Notice I’m not even bringing up the S’s.

Pick your battles, right?

If there’s any letter used to excess…it’s S.

Excess being a prime offender.

Who wouldn’t get it without the extra S?

Not to mention the extra F in offender.

Another one.

Halloween just passed, and while we might need the extra E for the “een” effect, did we really need to waste that additional L.

What the Hell…again.

The L.

Really?

Realy?

Works just as well…don’t you think?

Wel?

Do you?

Who came up with all these wasted letter rules, anyway?

Some guy name Al probably…with L envy.

Because All’s he ever wanted…this Al.

So he encumbered the rest of us with all these extra letters.

When just one leter, like T, would do.

Never thought about it before, did you?

Yeah…that’s how most people are.

Never give much thought to something until it starts affecting you directly, do ya?

Like that F in affecting.

There are so many better things that F could be doing right now, as well as that T in better, rather than aiding your pronunciation.

I mean if you don’t know how the words are supposed to sound by now….

Besides, we could probably use all those secondary, weak sister letters to make all sorts of new words.

Like FLSTDRABIGO.

What’s it mean?

How should I know?

I just made it up.

It can mean anything I want it to mean…like all the other words when they were first made up.

Do you think the guy who invented “Handle” knew what it meant?

No…he just went around with this great new word, looking for something to apply it to.

One day, he got tired of never being able to open any of his kitchen drawers so he stuck it there and we’ve had handles ever since.

Make sense?

It does…really?

Okay…well then, I think I’m going to assign FLSTDRABIGO to mean the thing that happens when….

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