The Freelance Retort: Watch Out for Writers

The Freelance Retort by Brian Moloney

Okay…I’m just going to say it.

Writers make the worst friends.

So it would be wise to steer clear.

They are not nice people.

At least that’s what a guy named Salinger said some 60 years ago, or so.

I’m not sure what the “or so” adds to the sentence or thought. I just threw it in there because I wanted to and I was pretty sure you wouldn’t notice or care.

See what I mean about writers….always playing games with words, mostly cuz they think they’re so clever.

Much too clever, Buddy….

Salinger said that too.

Now you know why he didn’t publish anything after a while.

He was doing us all a favor.

He didn’t want to manipulate us with words.

Which is what the rest of us might be really doing, anyway.

Think about it. And while you’re at it, think about a certain, well written e-mail you received from a prolific friend that made you smile, possibly even blush, which upon further inspection was probably telling you how insufficient he or she found those cupcakes you sent over after they had their gall bladder taken out.

In fact, they probably made some veiled reference to your inadequate gall bladder and the need to extract it…all the while you’re reading, and thinking…ahhhh…isn’t that sweet?

It’s all in the phrasing…and the writer knows how to put a well turned phrase to their advantage.

“The one quality I find so refreshing about you, is your ability to find pleasure in the simple things.”

Which probably means, “Your shoes are cheap…and you don’t have many other qualities to speak of.”

“I find your discerning tastes to be wonders that never cease to amaze.”

Which probably means, “Just find something on the menu and order it…you are such a picky pain in the ass!”

“I adore your manner of speech; so plain and direct…without want of meaning or intent; a practice rarely exercised by others.”

Which probably means….

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