The Freelance Retort: Zombies Hate Winter Too

The Freelance Retort by Brian Moloney

The Zombies Across the Street hate winter.

I mean, sure…we all hate winter…but nowhere as much as the Zombies.

And you can pretty much understand why.

Snowy, icy sidewalks are not conducive to Zombie ambulation.

In other words, they don’t walk real well in snow or ice.

You know, because of the shuffling thing.

Think about it. If you can’t lift your feet, then you’re going to get a lot of snow in your shoes.

And nothing makes a Zombie crankier than wet socks…other than holier than thou vampires who constantly flaunt their top of the line, fine tailored clothing in front of them.

Yeah.

You may not think it to look at them, but Zombies are pretty sensitive to the tattered condition of their wardrobes. Hey, can they help it if digging out of a 6 foot grave takes its toll on cotton, whether its permanent press or not?

And they feel they’re not responsible if they’re terribly out of style. The truth is, if you talk to a Zombie—any Zombie—they’ll tell you…depending on whether or not they still have tongues, let alone a lower jaw…they’ll tell you, under normal circumstances, they wouldn’t be caught dead in the thing the mortician tied on them.

But what can they do? They’re Zombies. It comes with the territory, just as much as the constant headshots they have to endure from overzealous, closed minded neighbors.

But back to the snow and ice situation. Wet feet are one thing for a Zombie to deal with in winter, but if they were to slip on the ice and fall—which as you might expect happens a lot—then they can forget about catching the new season of Dancing with the Stars, anytime soon. It’s just inhumanly possible for them to get up off that ice.

And it’s pretty sad for the rest of us to watch, as well. Not that I didn’t try to help…once.

It was that bad ice storm we had a while back. The Zombies Across the street were all heading out to a Valentines party being held down at the local community center.

Okay…you might find that odd—especially Valentines—but they do try to attend as many of these town functions as they can, just to try and dispel a lot of the myths, and put a good face on the undead. And believe me, it takes them awhile to find just the right face to bring along.

Anyway, here they come one by one, all wearing their hearts on their sleeves…literally.

So it made it that much harder to watch as….

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