The Freelance Retort: The Zombies have Tools

Graphic By bandrat

The Freelance Retort by Brian Moloney

We’re well into October now and the Zombies across the street are beginning to get busy.

They’ve already started work on the big spook house they put up every Halloween…and this year it looks like they’re planning on going all out.

Not that they really need to do anything at all … their house is pretty spooky as it is.

I mean they’re Zombies…enough said.

But you can’t go telling something like that to a bunch of ambitious Zombies…believe me; I found that out the hard way.

So they’re going all out….

Which I guess is good because it keeps them busy.

The last thing you want this time of year is a bored Zombie wandering into your backyard during a family get together.

Then you’re stuck with them all night, because they just don’t know when to leave.

Their social skills are pretty non-existent…but we’ve covered that before.

Wanting to be neighborly—as is my wont, as well as my want—I wandered across the street to check out what they were up to; something, I have to say, I try to avoid during the hot summer months. Fall’s a much better time to visit the Zombies. The cooler temps and autumnal breeze pretty much dampens the decomp situation; plus, I admit, it’s always entertaining whenever the Zombies do anything that involves tools.

“So I see you’re getting a jump on the season,” I said.

Burt, the only Zombie I actually know by name, because it’s stitched on the remnants of his bowling shirt, turned and smiled…I think…and made some sort of a sound that I took for agreement.

He started pointing towards the side of the house—indicating they were planning on taking whatever it was around the corner and down the driveway, this year—when the hammer flew out of his hand, or more precisely, flew out along with his hand, and knocked one of the other Zombies—who happened to be carrying a 2 x 4 over his shoulder—right in his nose, or right in somebody’s nose…again, I think.

That Zombie then spun around, trying in vain to retrieve what was left of the nose, whereupon he knocked over another pair of Zombies with the 2 x 4, who then wobbled back up and shuffle clumsily down the driveway trying to retrieve some of their own bits and pieces that had gotten away from them.

Burt, watching all this transpire, merely shook the right side of his head, as if to say, “Not my fault…they’re idiots,” which he would have, if his tongue wasn’t stuffed in the pocket of his bowling shirt.

Like I said, the Zombies are always entertaining…but throw tools into the mix and you’ve got a regular Three Stooges situation, plus dismemberment.

Anyway, I’ve learned over the years that all things Zombie, which once might have horrified me, are better left ignored, so I just said, “The leaves are really starting to turn, aren’t they?”

Burt looked up and nodded agreement, seeming to find a kinship in the colorful cycle of decay surrounding us. So much so, he began making a driving motion with his remaining hand, pointed to the leaves, and then at his eyes, one of which had rolled onto my sneaker.

My take on this was, he’d like to go for a drive and do a little leaf peeping.

Again, that’s how I interpreted it, but I could have been wrong, which I have been in the past. Like the time I thought he was asking me to help shovel out his driveway, after that big blizzard a couple of years back, when what he really wanted was for me to help dig up his Uncle Julius, in the back yard.

So you have to be careful.

Luckily, I was spared from making any commitment whatsoever when we were interrupted by a high pitched howling coming from up on the roof. It was one of the Werewolves from down the street, who apparently had whacked himself on the thumb while nailing down a Devils Trap.

Yeah…I know…that sounds pretty strange. You wouldn’t expect to see a Werewolf working with the Zombies…not given their recent history. But apparently the Zombie Summer Solstice party last June, helped them get past a lot of that old animosity and they’ve since become pretty good friends, which is always nice to see.

Ghouls have a hard enough time fitting in with the regular community, as it is, so it’s even worse when they’re at each other’s throats all the time…not to mention the extra clean-up involved for the DPW.

Yeah….

The Werewolf waved his paw, indicating he was okay, to which Burt gave a big thumbs up, which as you can imagine, with Zombies, means…well, I guess you can figure that one out.

Not wanting to be the source of any more distractions, I shook Burt’s remaining hand and bade my goodbyes…which is always hit or miss

I don’t know if you’ve ever shaken hands with a Zombie before, but it can, and often does turn into an uncomfortable situation as you can end up taking the whole thing with you.

Then you’re left with the dilemma of, do I apologize…or merely walk away as if it’s not a big deal and politely leave the hand on a table some place.

I mean, Burt didn’t seem to care. Now he could just spread out under a tree and enjoy the foliage.

You just hope he does it all in one place...let alone one piece….

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