Appreciating we are unique....

By Carol Dores

Every human being has a unique personality. Our personalities are influenced by things that happen in the entire world around us. Who we are as individuals is developed by the age of five. The development of the unity of our personality is driven by each of our lives as a whole, not by individual pieces.

We each have our own separate realities, or private logic. “A child’s development is determined by his personal, individual interpretation of things; how important to realize that a child always behaves in the circle of his persona mistakes whenever he approaches a new or difficult situation.” (p29)

The way in which we each respond to a situation is based on what our beliefs are about ourselves and the world. We each see the world through our own lens. This lens is built in the first five years of life, with the help of our entire surroundings. There is no one person responsible for how we perceive the world, but rather it is a combination of all of our interactions and experiences in our life.

Starting at birth, each person has experiences, which are interpreted by each individual. How we each interpret a situation results in building a belief about oneself, others, and the world.

Each human being develops their own belief about the world around them. Adler termed this “private logic”. Private logic is how each individual perceives the world around them. This then determines how the world is interpreted, and what beliefs are held about themselves and those around them.

They each then make decisions about themselves, and what their goals are. The goal of every individual is to have a sense of belonging and significance. Individual behavior is driven by the need to achieve this goal.

Let’s look at an example. A four year old is the oldest child, when a new baby arrives. He sees his mother giving the new baby all of the attention. His interpretation could be that his mother loves the baby more, and that he is bad, and unloved. His belief or private logic is that he needs to behave like a baby to feel connected to his mother. His decision, then, is to behave like a baby, wanting a bottle, wetting his pants, etc. In addition to impacting the decisions he is making at the time, this belief sets the “wallpaper” for his life. His subconscious belief may become that he needs to behave like someone else to achieve the goal of belonging and significance. This will drive his behavior through the teenage years and for life. He may follow the behavior of his peers, wanting to be accepted.

Here’s another example. A child is constantly told by her mother that she can do better. While the mother’s intention is to encourage her child, the child interprets this as she is not good enough. Her belief or private logic about herself is that she needs to do things to please her mother, and is always looking to her mother for approval. Her decision is that what others see and say is what is most important, and becomes the focus of how she will behave. In the early years, this will sound like, “Mommy, look at my drawing!” and she will wait for praise. In later years, she may do whatever it takes to please her friends and eventually her spouse.

By the age of five or six, a child will have developed their life style - that is their own individual way of dealing with and responding to the world around them. This life style is determined based on their individual experiences and perceptions of what happened, and their interpretations and beliefs about themselves. Our private logic, therefore, determines what our life style priority is. Every individual is unique, and their unity of personality is a result of the entirety of their life experiences.

How private logic impacts us

Each individual sees the world through his or her lens. We are each part of many groups – families, communities, work places, etc. How we interact with one another is driven by our life style priorities. How we interpret the actions and reactions of others is through our private logic. These individual differences can be a source of conflict, as many people do not take the time to understand other people’s perceptions. What seems so right to one person is likely to seem incredibly wrong to another.

The idea of respecting differences is important. Understanding that we each have our own version of reality can help people work through their differences. Taking the time to look through another person’s lens can help move us towards a more peaceful world.

Positive Discipline is based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. This learning is from The Education of Children by Alfred Adler.

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