The Good, The Bad ... The Reward System

Last week, I wrote about punishment techniques, but there are lots of ways to encourage good behavior.

Routine, routine, routine. Making things part of the everyday routine, and therefore not something to question, breeds good (or bad!) behavior and habits. For example, always brush your teeth before bed. Make your bed before you go to the kitchen for breakfast. Pick up one toy or game before you take out another.

If you start these little practices and keep them up consistently, they become ingrained in your children.

As they say, you catch more bees with honey. Praise goes a long way toward encouraging good behavior. Who doesn’t like to be told how wonderful they are?

 Kidding aside, remember to catch your kids being good.

 “I like how you gave Billy a turn to play with your truck.” “Thank you for setting the dinner table.” This makes your kids feel good about themselves and about doing things they’d rather not.

 I’m not saying to overdo it. I did not grow up in the age where everyone received a trophy for just showing up and I think that it’s better to promote hard work rather than telling your child how wonderful he is at every turn. But do let your kids know when they’re doing something right.

Stickers! Tracking good behavior is another way to reinforce a new good behavior you are trying to teach to your children. This is a common technique with potty training. For someone that little, getting a sticker on your chart for each successful trip to the bathroom might be enough. But you can also tie earning stickers to a bigger reward.

By age 5, my niece was awful about going to bed by herself. She just wouldn’t. Someone (usually mom) had to get into bed with her and rub her back until she fell asleep, then sneak out without waking her or have to repeat the entire process.

My sister used a sticker and reward program to end the madness. Every night that she went to sleep alone earned her a sticker. When she had ten, she got a trip to the dollar store for the item of her choice.

There was resistance at times. We still tease her about her comment to her mother, “How would you like to have to get stickers?” But in the end it worked. She learned how to go to bed and the sticker chart was no longer needed.

You can vary this technique depending on the age of your child. When I was in sixth grade and begging for pierced ears, my parents told me I could get them, if I first proved I was responsible enough. I had to earn 500 points. I got a point for things like making my bed, setting the table, and doing other chores without being asked.

You could also have a glass jar in a prominent spot that you put marbles in, or take out when your child does something good or bad. Or make flowers out of straws and construction paper (a fun project to do to kick off the new regimen) and have a pot for each child. This way your child can see how he or she is doing.

There’s nothing like a good mantra. A personal favorite is from Jon and Kate Plus 8 - “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

Kate would say this, and the kids chimed right in, too, as she put the children’s plates in front of them. It immediately stopped any, “I wanted …” or “his piece of cake is bigger than mine…” kinds of complaints.

I also like that it’s a simple statement that we don’t always get what we want but it’s still OK, presented to kids in a way they can understand.

Shopping with your children in tow can be an arduous task. One technique to make it go smoother is to get your child involved rather than demanding she quietly and compliantly follow you through the store. Give each child a list of five things to find as you go up and down the aisles. Or make it a contest, “Now we need cereal. Who can find the Cheerios first?”

You can use this same idea for many other tasks. When I was pruning, I gave my son one twig at a time and he gleefully put it in the basket. He was much happier than if I’d tried to make him play alone nearby.

My sister-in-law had a great trick for cutting down on requests when she was shopping with my nephews. She always took a grocery list and if one of the boys asked for something, she’s scan the list and say, “It’s not on the list.” And that was the end of the discussion.

It took them years to realize that the “list” wasn’t the ultimate authority.

I learned a great tip for cutting down the whining, ordering and tantrums from Parenting Magazine. Simply say, “I can’t understand you when you speak like that,” every time your child tries starts to whine or throw a fit. Whispering makes it even more effective.

Letting your children feel in charge of a situation will also help to get them to do what you want. For example, if getting dressed is a battle, give your child a choice of two outfits. You have just turned a demand from you, “Come get dressed!” into a chance for your child to feel in control.

Let them make the rules. This works really well with older kids. Many teachers use this technique in the classroom. Have a family meeting and make the house rules. Decide on what’s important to your family together. “We will all respect each other,” and, “No eating in the living room.” You can even make a sign and hang it up. By deciding upon the rules together, the kids will be invested in them, too.