Health & Fitness
"I want to go home!"
For elders suffering dementia, "home" is not about a place. It's about peace, comfort and security. And maybe that's true for all of us.
Mom had Alzheimer’s. She had been struggling with it for a number of years and was often quite confused and disorientated.
With great angst she paced around the apartment, wandering from room to room wringing her hands and plaintively repeating, “I want to go home!” “I want to go home!” No amount of reassurance that she was already home calmed her.
Unanswerable Questions
I gently questioned her about what home she wanted to go to. Was it the home in Brooklyn where she grew up? Was it the home I grew up in on Long Island? Was it one of the apartments she had lived in with our father, Mark, first on the west side of Manhattan, then on the east side? She could not answer because she did not know herself!
I walked around the apartment with her pointing out significant and valued belongings thinking that might make her feel more at home. I told her she was already home where she had lived for the past 35 years. I showed her the large collection of family photos sitting on the sideboard. I identified her siblings, children and grandchildren for her.
The photos temporarily soothed Mother but as soon as she turned away from them, it was as though she had never seen them at all.
In time I came to understand that her quest for “home” really had nothing to do with a specific house or place. It was more a reflection of her inner turmoil and the malaise caused by living in a world that no longer made sense; a world that felt confusing and chaotic; a world that offered little comfort and no security.
Finding A Way
So instead of trying to convince Mother that she was already home I simply held her hand, walked with her and tried to distract and sooth her. Later, when she needed to live in a nursing home, I hired a private duty companion to spend the day with her, holding her hand, walking with her and soothing her angst.
The agitation ended as her Alzheimer’s progressed to its final stages. She gave up her search for “home” and reached a state of peace and calm.
PEARL OF WISDOM
People with dementia need us to respond to their feelings rather than to their words. They often cannot find the right words to tell us what they want.
© 2014 Joan Blumenfeld
Joan Blumenfeld, MS, LPC is a Geriatric Care Manager based in Fairfield County, Connecticut. For information visit www.joanblumenfeld.com. Contact her at joan@joanblumenfeld.com or call for a confidential appointment at 203.845.0191. This blog is intended for general interest only, not for advice for specific situations.
