What to do if your child feels left out

Children who struggle with depression are likely to be

rejected or neglected by other children. Elin McCoy, author

of What to do when Kids are mean to your child observed:

“If our children spend most of their time alone and the phone

hardly even rings for them, we worry even if they don’t

complain about being lonely or show that they feel upset.

Some rejection seems to be a natural part of negotiating

friendships and requires sympathy and minimal coaching

on your part. But when it is a pattern that lasts over a few

weeks or several months or more, the first thing to do is

figure out how your child feels about being rejected and

why it may be happening.”

As you search for a solution, keep in mind the following

suggestions:

First, use of gentle prompt. According to Jacob Azerad,

author of Anyone can have a happy child, “Prompts can be

useful, but they have to be brief and relatively infrequent so

that they don’t end up as parental nagging. Once or twice a

week casually suggest that your child make some effort to

bring friends to her: ‘How would like to have Tina over to

lunch today?’ Prompting, if it’s gentle, brief, and infrequent,

can be an effective way of bringing children together.”

Second, changing a child’s behavior doesn’t occur

overnight. Azerad says that “in helping a child learn

behavior that brings friends instead of driving other

children away, it’s important to remember that changed

behavior doesn’t happen instantaneously. He isn’t going

to get over being shy right away; he has to learn first,

through praise and encouragement, that he’s a worthwhile

person whom others want to be with. Negative behaviors

don’t spring full-blown from the mind of a six-year-old;

neither do the kinds of behavior that involve other children.

Friendships, even among young people, require small,

thoughtful, winning gestures between people to build the

bonds of affection and caring. It also takes small negative

actions to drive them away. Parents have to be aware of

what is happening when they see their children without

friends, and once they begin to encourage positive

winning-friends’ behaviors, they have to believe that

something is going on quietly, bit by bit, and that it’s

worth the effort.”

Third, nurture one friendship. McCoy concluded:

“Children need friends, but they don’t have to have ten.

Having one friend or several or a different friend each

week are all ‘normal’ for children between the ages of

five and thirteen, and one friend is all it takes for a child

to feel insulated against rejection. With shy kids or kids

who are caught in a pattern of being left out, help them

establish a friendship with one other child. A child of

any age is most likely to be accepted by either a single

child or a group of atleast four. For younger children,

ask the teacher to be a matchmaker and suggest an

appropriate child for you to invite over for a playdate.

Short visits have a greater chance of success than long

ones. When you plan special family events, such as going

to the zoo, encourage your child to bring the friend along.

Older elementary kids are likely to meet a friend with similar

interests in scout troops, clubs, or after-school programs

where excluding is more difficult because of adult supervision.”