Book Review: “Surviving Mama—Overcoming Strained Mother-Daughter Relationships. An Adult Daughter’s Guide”

Dr. Pamela Everett Thompson, an accomplished psychologist and professional life coach, writes an insightful book about dysfunctional dynamics that can occur in mother-daughter relationships.

In "Surviving Mama," Thompson combines traditional therapy with a Biblical perspective while discussing this touchy and sensitive subject matter in a diplomatic and caring manner.

In each chapter, Thompson unfolds specific stories from women whom she has interviewed. She then offers her own observations and how to overcome the situation; she closes each chapter by posing relevant questions to the reader. In providing answers to the questions, the reader is able to explore aspects related to the dysfunction, thereby possibly being able to reflect on their own unique situation.

According to Thompson, the intent of the book is to “provoke honest thought and conversations with self and trusted others about how to navigate a strained relationship with a larger-than-life, infallible and almost iconic mother; equip reader with greater self-awareness in updating their image of Mom, thereby allowing for an honest relationship flawed human being (such as we all are) versus the inflated image of Mom imprinted upon one’s heart from
childhood, help readers to respect and Mom and self; provide a framework for a liberating adult mother-daughter relationships.”

Thompson explores this topic from an African-American perspective because in this culture, it is generally taboo to disclose honest feelings about the “saintly” mother; consequently, some black women may choose to suffer in silence. Thompson believes that it is important for the daughter to be empowered and to seek alternatives for negotiating the relationship.

According to Thompson, "Surviving Mama" is not meant to bash mothers, or women, but to provide guidance regarding a topic that is not discussed much.

Thompson explores a vast array of topics and scenarios that includes: emotional and physical abandonment; pitting child against father; controlling daughter through manipulation; micro-managing daughter’s life and creating self-doubt; over-worrying; not accepting a daughter’s path in life, but trying to impose one’s own life onto the daughter; overly focusing on the daughter’s body and appearance image; alcoholism; daughter being born as a result of a love affair with a married man and the effects this has on the daughter’s life; and jealousy—a daughter’s success amplifying mother’s failures.

I enjoyed reading “Surviving Mama” and highly recommend it, especially to women who, while they love their mothers dearly, have found certain aspects of the mother-daughter relationship to be challenging or draining. I believe men and other women will also appreciate the book because while it focuses on the mother-daughter relationship, the dynamics discussed can also transcend into other types of relationships. 

I believe that “Surviving Mama" is an important read. Thompson explains, based on her professional observations (and I agree), that from childhood to about age 30, a child believes that the parent has all the answers and the parent is almost Godlike (whether slightly or significantly flawed). Sometime after 30, the blinders are removed and the child sees that the parent has flaws and, possibly, some past events or aspects of their personality are not healthy. 

In my non-professional opinion, the child navigates through this, and hopefully, by the age of 40 or so, the child realizes that the parent is human, and reconciliation, healing and peace can be achieved. After all, by this time, the child is often actually a parent and, in some way, behaving in a manner that will have a negative effect on their own child. Therefore, this book can be used as a tool to navigate a mother through this process, as well.

Thompson is a long-time resident of the Cascade Heights. She attended Elementary School and Southwest High School (now ). Thompson enjoys having a private practice and has worked in the mental health care field in various capacities for 15 years. This is her first published book.