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DISCLAIMER:  Antoinette Datoc is NEITHER a licensed therapist NOR a medical professional. She is, however, a natural-born advice giver who adheres strictly to the tenet that humor is the best medicine for what ails you. Even if you think her advice is lousy, you can bet it'll make you laugh out loud. In the end, that’s what matters because if you’re laughing at least you’re not crying.

DEAR ANT:  I live in a very nice neighborhood in Marietta.  I like all my neighbors, but there’s this guy who drives me crazy.  He walks his dog by my house and for some reason he likes to poop in my yard.  This would not be a problem except that he doesn’t pick it up.  I don’t know this guy except to say hello.  I’ve dropped subtle hints when I’ve seen him around and nothing has changed.  I think our neighborhood has a pooper-scooper rule.  I want to report him.  What should I do? ---POOP HATING DOG LOVER

DEAR “PHDL”:  First of all, when you say, …”he likes to poop in my yard,” I assume you mean the dog and not your neighbor.  My advice would be different if it were the other way around. 

     When I was a little girl growing up in Connecticut, we had a similar problem and it drove my father insane.  The family who lived across the street from us had a cocker spaniel named Buffy whom they let out of the house several times daily to do his business wherever he pleased.      

     My parents are typical Italian-Americans who take tremendous pride in their home.  We had a beautifully manicured yard and a prolific garden that my dad spent hours maintaining every day.  I know you know where I’m headed with this story.  For some reason (probably because our yard was so inviting) Buffy and his canine pals decided to make our front yard their toilet. 

     One Saturday, my father was mowing the lawn when suddenly he began screaming in a combination of Italian and English, the likes of which I am too much of a lady to repeat here.  It sounded as if he was going completely nuts so my mother and I ran to the window to see what was causing all the commotion.  Apparently dad had navigated the lawn mower over a pile of Buffy’s dog poop causing fragments to spray out from under the mower, leaving a disgusting mess on everything in its wake…including my father.  

     You've heard of temporary insanity?  It’s real…and lasts longer than you would think.  My father was wildly shouting and running back and forth between our front yard and Buffy’s.  He'd pick up dog poop with his large garden spade and cradling it with the skill of a seasoned lacrosse player, sprint across the street, launch it into Buffy’s yard, pivot and run back to do it all again.  I guess pent up anger and years of cleaning up after the neighbor’s dog had caused the poor man to snap.  The image of him on that day is seared into my brain forever.  It is why I am religious about cleaning up after my own dog.

     Do not misunderstand me.  I’m not suggesting that you follow my father’s example, but dropping subtle hints is not going to solve the problem.  Before you reach your own breaking point you need to confront this fellow directly, but you need to do it in a genteel, neighborly sort of fashion.  Since you are certain this particular gentleman and his dog are the culprits of the crime, I imagine you must be acquainted with their daily walk cycle.  My advice is to find an excuse to happen upon your neighbor and his best friend as they wander past your house.  A timely trip to the mailbox or weeding your front garden will suffice.  Initiate a pleasant neighborly exchange.

     “Oh hello.  Isn’t it a lovely day for a walk?” 

     He most likely will stop and agree. 

      “I've noticed your dog seems to love my yard and I see you’ve forgotten your poop bag again.” 

     Next, pull a zip-lock bag out of your pocket, “It just so happens I have this bag in my pocket.”

     Here’s where you smile and shove the bag at him, “Please take it.  I’d hate for you to get home after a long walk and need to come all the way back here again just to clean up after your dog.”

  If this advice doesn’t produce the desired result, report him to your neighborhood association.  Or, sporting a pair of disposable latex gloves, pick up the poop yourself and deposit it into a clear zip-lock bag.  Deliver it to your neighbor’s front door with a civilized note attached that reads:  I FOUND THIS IN MY YARD.  I BELIEVE IT BELONGS TO YOU.

Best of luck.  ---ANT

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