Ask Ant

DISCLAIMER:  Antoinette Datoc is NEITHER a licensed therapist NOR a medical professional. She is, however, a natural-born advice giver who adheres strictly to the tenet that humor is the best medicine for what ails you. Even if you think her advice is lousy, you can bet it'll make you laugh out loud. In the end, that’s what matters because if you’re laughing at least you’re not crying.

DEAR ANT:  I am in love with the man of my dreams.  The problem is he is my sister's ex-husband.  The marriage lasted only three years and they have been divorced for another two.  I have been attracted to John since the day my sister brought him home to meet our family.  I was only sixteen at the time and told myself it was a silly crush, but now I know I am in love with him.  I am a second year law student and am working as a summer associate at a large firm where this man is a full time practicing attorney.  When I shook his hand on my first day at work this summer, sparks flew.  I've tried to put our chance meeting out of my mind for the last six weeks, but I can't.  I was assigned to his section so I see him daily.  I now realize the attraction is mutual.  This has gotten so complicated.  I love my sister and I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to pass up a chance at happiness with the man of my dreams.  I am confused and need your advice.  --LOVELORN LAWYER

DEAR LOVELORN:  Before I launch into giving you the advice you surely will not be happy to hear, let me say this.  Are you kidding me?  EEEEWWWW.  You seem to have forgotten that this guy is not just some dude your sister dated in high school.  He is your ex-brother-in-law.  You're a lawyer for Pete's sake.  Aren't there laws against that sort of thing?  This situation isn't complicated at all.  It's just plain icky.

You may feel intensely attracted, but you are not in love.  It's been, what, six weeks?  You barely know this character.  Good grief, you are not in love with him. What you are experiencing is nothing more than love at first smell.  

All human beings secrete chemical signals called pheramones.  You've heard of them, right?  We smell these pheramones on a subliminal level.  When you and your sister's ex shook hands, your vomeronasal organ detected and processed his sex pheramones.  This, in turn, stimulated the emotion rendering center of your brain (hypothalamus) and aroused impulses associated with sex and reproduction.  I'm afraid what you are confusing for love is really an emotional reaction to a very basal biological impulse aimed at proliferating the species.  

Opposable thumbs notwithstanding, the thing that separates human beings from other creatures is our ability to control our impulses.  GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, MISSY.  You are not in love, you quite simply are...ahem... aroused.

Who am I to say you two won't eventually fall in love?  You most assuredly will have the opportunity to get to know him better this summer.  You're all mature adults, right?  Mature adults should be able to handle this sort of thing, right? POPPYCOCK!  There's an unwritten rule that must never be broken:  THOU SHALT NOT DATE YOUR SISTERS' OR BEST GIRLFRIENDS' EX-HUSBANDS.  Period.  No exceptions.  

Since you asked for advice, here it is.  Stay away from this guy.  If you don't, be prepared to accept that a union with your sister's ex-husband is bound to involve the most unpleasant of consequences...an embittered family rift.  --ANT

Need advice?  Ask Ant!  Email her at askantadvice@gmail.com.