If You Can't Say Something Nice, Don't Say Anything At All

"If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all."

You’ve likely been given this advice, and probably it came from your mother. I’ll bet Cain and Abel heard it from Eve. I know I heard it from my mother and, likewise, I passed it on to my own children whenever the opportunity presented itself. 

At 16 and 20, my sons are nearly grown. While I’m finding it hard to remember the last time I needed to remind one of them, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” I do remember the first occasion on which I imparted the advice.  

My oldest son, Christian, was 3 years old and I was 6 months pregnant. We lived by the old adage, ‘a family that runs around the house in their underwear together, stays together,’ so it was not out of the ordinary for him to be by my side in the bathroom as I got dressed.  

He sat behind me on the toilet (lid down), swinging his feet up and down the way kids do when their feet don’t reach the floor. He was talking and swinging his feet and watching me lean across the bathroom vanity, straining to get as close to the mirror as my belly would allow, in an effort to apply mascara. I was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and panties. Again, a family that runs around the house in their underwear together stays together. 

I’m going to stop here for a moment to set the scene for dramatic effect: large pregnant woman precariously leaning forward, consumed with applying mascara, oblivious to the fact that her large panty-only clad butt is precisely at eye level with her young son who is sitting directly behind her. 

“Mommy?” Christian queried, staring directly at my butt.

“Mmmmhmmm,” still preoccupied with applying mascara and completely oblivious to the butt situation unfolding behind me.

“I’m thorry to have to tell you thith, but your butt is pretty big.”

What did he just say? I froze, lost my grip on the mascara brush and watched it drop, leaving a trail of brown/black streaks in its wake as it grazed the counter and plopped in the sink. I counted to ten, took one cleansing breath, and turned to face that small, smiling cherub, head cocked quizzically to one side, still swinging his feet up and down.  

“Christian…” I said.

“Yeth, Mommy?”

“If you can’t say something nice, you don’t say anything at all.  This is an important rule to follow because it helps us not to hurt other people’s feelings. Do you understand?”

“Yeth, Mommy.”

“Good. I have one more rule for you, Christian. If you ever think you need to tell a girl something about the way she looks and you feel it’s best to start with ‘I’m sorry to have to tell you this,' it’s probably better not to tell her.”

“Okay.“

There is one caveat. In the event one solicits the opinion of another, said person waives his/her right to invoke the If You Can't Say Something Nice (IYCSSN) Rule. For example, say I’m out shopping for a new dress and I ask my shopping companion how it looks. I expect an honest answer because if I am going to spend hard earned cash on a dress, I don’t want to get home, try it on in good lighting and discover I look like a cow.

Please remember in soliciting someone else's opinion, a person waives the right to invoke the IYCSSN Rule and as such is not allowed to get mad or be offended. 

BEWARE. There is one circumstance in which the above caveat becomes null and void. Gentlemen, if your woman asks you if an article of clothing makes her butt look big, your answer is ALWAYS ‘NO.’ (NOTE: reread story about Christian above). Even if her butt does, in fact, look big, your answer is a resounding ‘NO.’ If her butt looks so big that she should not be allowed to leave the house, you must still say NO and find an alternate way to address this problem. You might say something like, “Honey, your butt doesn’t look big. In fact you look so good I want to keep you all to myself. How about we stay home tonight, order some Chinese and watch a chick flick?”

Recently, it was just another ordinary day when a complete stranger approached me at the grocery store.

“Excuse me. Do you mind if I ask where you get your hair cut?”

My first inclination was to be flattered. Earlier in the day a friend told me my hair looked particularly nice so I assumed this stranger was paying me a compliment. 

“Not at all,” I said smiling and gave her the name of my salon. 

She, a hairdresser herself, asked me how much I paid my stylist, adding with a snarky tone, that any amount was too much and if I went to her salon she could fix the mess, blah, blah, blah. As if that was not enough, she "fluffed" the back of my hair for added emphasis. The nerve of some people. Yes, this really happened. Oh...and did I mention she offered to do it all for around $150.00?  WOW! 

Flabbergasted, I simply said, “Thank you for such a kind offer,” and skulked off. 

For two days I recounted that incident in my head….I can’t believe I thanked her and skulked off. Then is struck me.  What I really should have said was, “Didn’t your mother ever tell you if you can’t say something nice, you don’t say anything at all?”