Aging: Wrapping It Up

So far in this mini-series, we’ve covered how we have to face the reality of getting older and the reasons that making a plan far in advance of any need for change is much better than waiting for a crisis to force a hurried alteration that can strain family relationships (see “It’s Gonna Happen” and “Why Plan?”).  As we’ve explained, making a plan of action that everyone can accept is a key to putting the gold in those Golden Years. 

Planning also helps to create a tiered approach to necessary lifestyle transitions, which leads to another reason we should make one:  We can adjust to a series of small changes over time much more easily than we can to a big one all at once.  In other words, the best plans will be those that anticipate the issues you might have and provide for things happening a little at a time, instead of major revisions instantly. 

Suppose you dwell in a three-level house (basement, main floor, and upstairs) with your laundry room in the basement and your master bedroom upstairs.  Let’s also imagine that you have mobility issues (arthritis, joint problems, asthma, osteoporosis, etc.) that will make going up and down stairs progressively more difficult over the next decade.  Without any planning, many of us would struggle through this situation until an accident—falling down some stairs—makes this situation impossible.  Now that you’ve got a broken hip and cannot do stairs, you become a huge problem for everyone. 

Your loved ones take care of you during the time you’re laid up, but they realize that you can’t continue in this dangerous situation any longer.  They start looking at assisted-living complexes, possibly without even telling you.  Once the cast comes off, you discover that you have a much more difficult time getting around your house and start thinking how maybe you could move in with your daughter, her husband, and their teenaged son.  Do you want to be a part of the “discussion” that ensues when your daughter shows up at your house with a bunch of assisted-living facility brochures on the same day you were about to suggest that you move in with her?  No matter how you cut it, hard or hurt feelings will happen; and whatever “solution” is found probably won’t make anybody happy.

Contrast that with somebody who anticipated this problem and planned for it.  This savvy senior figured that mobility might be an issue for her and took steps to adjust accordingly.  First, she moved the upstairs laundry room to the first floor, eliminating the need for her to go into the basement much.  Yes, money had to be spent to make this happen and renovations are never cheap, but instead of hoarding all her assets for an expensive emergency, she decided that she would spend her some of her savings now to make her life better. 

A couple of years later as her physical abilities continued to wane, she altered her house so that her bedroom and main bathroom were also on the first floor.  In other words, she slowly turned her three-story living arrangements into a single-floor plan.  Instead of having to move out of her beloved home immediately after a catastrophic accident, she was able to stay there safely for a longer period of time.  (In this reality, she never fell down the stairs because she stopped using them years before the accident of the previous scenario.)  Additionally, she was getting psychologically ready for the time when she might have to leave her house for an assisted-living facility, not to mention having checked them all out carefully while she was making the alterations to her house. 

Planning not only prevents our loved ones from going through an emotional tsunami and keeps us from becoming burdens, but it also helps us adjust to the vagaries of aging more gradually.  Everybody does better when he has time to get used to something; getting in a cold lake is about the only thing where plunging in with little thought is probably the best way to go.  How we live our lives, however, works better when we plan for major changes through a series of smaller adjustments over time.

The last of the givens relates to when the plan needs to go into effect.  Looking at oneself objectively cannot be done, so in most cases, the senior will procrastinate over starting the plan, while family members will think the plan should be initiated sooner rather than later.  We’ve already discussed how threatening even hypothetical change can be, so it comes as little surprise that aging people will keep postponing lifestyle alterations, even ones they have researched and selected as best for themselves some day.  Family and friends, however, will likely believe that “some day” should have taken place yesterday, so it’s important to work on this last area of the stress-reduction, lifestyle-altering plan. 

No matter how carefully and clearly the plan has been laid out, the benefits of that foresight can evaporate rapidly in the heat of battle over when those changes should happen.  So the last aspect of the plan needs to be some sort of checklist of issues that would signal the need for the plan’s implementation.  What those warning signs are will vary from individual to individual, but thought needs to be given to what signs will indicate it’s time to initiate the plan. 

Determining at what point any unique human needs help with daily activities like meals and driving is hardly an exact science, but waiting too long can turn that careful planning into an exercise in futility as many of the negative consequences of doing nothing to prepare for aging emerge in the battle as to when those preparations should become reality.  Unlike a government’s preparing for war in order to make war less likely, preparing for old age doesn’t make the aging process go away.  We need to make sure that we understand the plan we’re making is something that is real, something that will need to happen.  So once you’ve figured out the basic components of what should be in the plan, you need some methodology for evaluating your own aging process that would nudge everyone from planning to action. 

Not everyone views aging the same way, so watch a tendency to become overzealous once you’ve accepted its inevitability.  Just because you forget your phone number briefly or trip over an uneven sidewalk is hardly conclusive evidence that you need to check into an assisted-living home immediately.  And even more likely (and more obnoxious), don’t overreact to the little bumps and challenges your friends are facing.  Remember that the recently converted tend to be the most rabid about whatever they have discovered, and your recognition of the need to plan your aging future won’t be identically replicated in anyone else.  Just because your friend didn’t pay her electricity bill last month doesn’t mean you should camp out at her door, screaming at her to hire an accountant to take over her finances.  The goal should be to work out a process whereby we prepare for things we know eventually could happen to all of us in the most calm, rational way possible. 

Nor will everyone accept that this is necessary or good.  Maybe your friend put her life completely on hold during her parents’ ending years and felt this was a wonderful undertaking that she wants to make sure her children experience too.  Maybe your kids believe that you are as a god and shouldn’t cede anything to Father Time; they’ll take care of anything you need.  It could be that you believe totally in fate and have no desire to make any plans whatsoever, since, “Que sera, sera/Whatever will be, will be/The future’s not ours to see/Que sera, sera.”  (By the way, one way to determine if it’s time to start making your plan for aging is if you recognize cultural/song references that are a million years old.)  Nobody’s saying that this approach is for everyone.