The Man in the Mirror

For the past several years, I’ve been blogging on the Patch about public education, based on my thirty-three years teaching junior high and high school students English.  But two years into my retirement, I need to broaden my horizons.  So with this essay, we’ll expand the scope of this column to take on other things.  That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to hold forth on schools, and I certainly have appreciated the support of you readers.  And I hope you kind souls will find something of value in some of the new topics.  So here we go:

Think for a minute about the person whom you find to be the most irritating in the world.  Focus—I’m not talking about the person who broke your heart or stole money from you—but the person who just gets on your nerves.  It’s not that these people do anything wrong, per se; it’s their very existence that seems to be an affront to you.  The way she talks, the way he walks, her topics of discussion, his entrance into a room, her outfits, and his music choices all seem to bother you way out of proportion compared to the actual sins this person commits on any given day.  You’ve tried to ignore this pimple on the nose of your life, but no matter what kind of Zen state you’ve managed to attain before this bozo barges into your world, a mere whiff of her cloying cologne or the faintest sound of his sucking on his teeth is enough to ruin your whole day.

And it doesn’t even make sense to you that this particular individual irks you so much.  You interact with many who, at least on paper, are much bigger jerks:  the guy who’s cheating on his third wife, the woman who talks endlessly about her spoiled brat of a daughter, or the couple who paw each other in the most nauseatingly public way.  Yet, none of these characters set you off as quickly or violently as that one idiot.  What gives? 

My theory is that the traits we find most annoying in others are precisely the traits we dislike most in ourselves, even if we don’t realize that we possess those traits.  Nobody likes to think of himself as a pompous know-it-all, but those are the kinds of people who bug me more than just about anyone.  And as you’ve probably discovered by now, the whole basis for anyone’s writing a blog is that some pompous know-it-all has determined that his words are brilliant insights, destined to change the course of the universe.  In other words, I am a pompous know-it-all, much to my chagrin, and my realizing and disliking that aspect of my personality leads me to be really peeved by anyone who also exhibits this trait.

Now don’t get me wrong:  There are many, many traits that I find obnoxious.  Non-stop talking, tailgating, and littering are just a few habits others possess that grate on me.  But I can’t really understand those sins since they aren’t things I do.  Yet, I can easily recognize the pompous know-it-all’s modus operandi; I do it all the time myself, so I can catch even the most subtle attributes of one similarly afflicted.  I’m on to this fathead before he’s even begun his smug lecture and thus can contemptuously dismiss him before he gets up a head of steam.  I don’t see the long-boring-personal-narrative person coming because I’m not as familiar with that oeuvre.  Her harangue, therefore, makes little sense to me:  How could anyone relate her entire insipid vacation, seemingly minute by minute, to someone she barely knows and is obviously not interested in that “great” restaurant she found in Upper Slovenia?  I’m as much shocked (awed?) by her ability to drone on and on as I am irritated; I can even admire her talent in wasting others’ time since I know I couldn’t hold forth like that about my personal life if you gave me $100 to do so. (However, don’t ask for my theories on popular music or physical fitness or politics unless you have several days to learn why anything you think is clearly inferior to my Nobel-worthy theories.)  My dislike for her trait is thus muted by my lack of understanding of the source of this horrific (dis)ability.  I cut those with the same traits as me absolutely none of that slack since I get what that person’s doing. 

This theory of over-reacting to those who have your weaknesses makes perfect sense.  (Yes, that’s exactly the kind of statement a pompous know-it-all would make).  We all hope that we come across to the world as nice, moral, courteous, kind, reasonable people.  Despite the fact that we can’t achieve this ideal, we at least want everyone to think that we have.  And then this cretin who is just like us comes along, and we see ourselves reflected in the mirror of this chump’s annoying habits.  “Lord,” my sub-conscious whispers to me as I endure his complacent satisfaction in knowing everything better than everyone else, “is that how I come across when I’m explaining something?  Omigod, everybody sees this guy as a total hemorrhoid in the butt of their existence—is that what they think about me?  God, I loathe this pinhead!”  The unsavory side of others will remind us—even if we’re not completely aware of just how badly afflicted with this particular pattern we are—that we too have imperfections that bother others, that the cushion of wonderfulness with which we believe we are surrounded is basically an illusion, and that we can be just as irritating as the next guy.  But since we have to live with ourselves and self-hate is not something most of us like to do, we empty our rancor on the poor sap who has the gall to remind us of our foibles—we can’t stand that person!

I think this overreaction to those who exhibit our own failings does have a positive side to it.  While ignorance is often bliss and we can lead okay lives just being peeved by certain people more than others, understanding why these folks bother us so quickly can help us with our own issues.  Once you understand why certain people rile you, you can work to mitigate that trait in yourself.  Once I recognized that pompous know-it-alls disturbed me because I was one myself, I began to try to control my tendency to enlighten everyone.  To suggest that I’ve mastered this personality flaw would be the height of hypocrisy given the essay you are currently reading, but awareness has to happen before anyone can have the slightest hope of doing better.  That mindfulness will additionally make you ease up a bit on those who are cursed with the same fault you have.  I’m not suggesting that you’ll become best friends with that woman you couldn’t stand before, but perhaps your whole mood won’t sour every time you catch a glimpse of her.  And who knows?  You might even be a better person for it.  I can still go off in a heartbeat with my uncanny demonstrations of omniscience to anyone foolish enough to seek my input, but I’m much more likely to catch myself in mid-pomposity and dial it down a few decibels.  Or I commit my incredible ideas to writing that people can choose to ignore with little effort.  If nothing else, it saves everyone some time. 

So when that certain someone who drives you up the wall disrupts your bliss, take a couple of minutes to think through your over reaction to this poor soul.  Is your white-knuckle response the result of your own personal weaknesses?  If it is (Although we all know that you’re nowhere near as obnoxious as that person is, don’t we?), maybe you can examine your own habits, start curbing your own shortcomings a tad, and resist the temptation to punch this person in the face.  One small step for man, two giant pains in the ass lessened a notch.

If you’re interested in how this pompous know-it-all believes our schools can be improved, check out the website, http://www.snowflake-schools.com/, where you can sample exerpts from his ebook, Snowflake Schools:  Freeing Teachers to Improve Public Education.